half half...

I am a true believer. I believe that there is a great soul in each and any one of us, but it's hard to find a good enough reason to show it. I believe that happiness comes with small things. I believe that there is someone for everyone. And I believe that there is a soul mate waiting for you right now... Or is it? We are surrounded by people that forgot how to be patient and they engage themselves into meaningless relationships only because they are scared to be alone.
Today, as I was having a philosophical discussion with myself, I realized that there is a possibility that my "half" gets bored of waiting for a sign from me and gets mixed with a wrong girl. DAMN HIM!! Anyway the problem is, what if he gets serious with this girl, because he is scared that he will never find me? And what happens if he decides to have a kid with this girl and gets married?? What happens with me??
It's a long time since i first start looking for a person to spend my life with (without any luck, of course). I'm not necessarily hunting the married life, but I'm hoping that one morning, many many years ahead, when i will have grey hair and an old face, someone will look at me and say "I'm grateful to wake up with ur face in front of my eyes".
But with all the indulging people around me, who prefer to wait for some feelings instead of going for the feelings, I am afraid that my dream is far away. I understand them on one hand, because it's terrible to wake up in an empty bed, in front of a single cup of coffee. But wouldn't it be more awful if instead of the loneliness u realize one day that u wasted too many years with the wrong person?
Of course, you will argue now the fact that as hunger comes with eating, feelings grow when u try to bond with someone. It's not a peculiar case to fall in love with someone that at first u couldn't stand, but what if by doing so u miss ur one true love? Then again, when u will know who is your true love? In these days when love come and goes so easily. There's no more waiting, feeling, loving with intensity. It's a "this wasn't made to be, let's find another one" or "there's plenty fish in the sea" world and I seriously don't know where I stand.
Message for my half : DON'T GO WASTING MY  FEELINGS WITH SOMEONE ELSE CAUSE YOU WILL DEAL WITH ME!!!

A cuban fairy tale... in a romanian story! ... 2

"I know you from somewhere, but I seem to forget from where..." he tells me with a sweet latin accent, waking me up from my open eyed dreaming. I always heard the expression "having stomach butterflies" but I never had this feeling, until now! (actually i recently had another "stomach butterflies" effect, but probably that's gonna be another failed story for you to read here :))) ). 

"You saved your last dance for me at the salsa party" I answer with a large smile on my face. I always wanted to say this line, since I saw it in "Save your last dance for me"... It was finally time to say it!  MUHAHAHA

"Ah, Yes! I remember you! The Romanian girl!"

OMG! He remembers me!! OMG!! I can't believe that! It's the first time someone remembers me. No, it's the first time someone I really, really like remembers me. Usually the guys are too drunk to remember their names, so my face it's too much of a trouble! But this guy, which from this moment on I will love forever and ever, remembers me! OMG! Of course he didn't see anything from my excitement (thank God for the poor lighting in the clubs!) and all he could hear from me was a very light : "Yes. And you are the Cuban guy."

"Oh, tu puedes hablar espanol, no?"

Damn it. I barely remember how to talk in English when I look into his eyes, Spanish is an impossible thing at the moment. So let's run the tape I usually run when I'm not that confident about my linguistic talent! "Si.. pero no mucho! Si quieres, puedes hablar espanol y yo te puedo contestar en ingles. Understood? I mean.. comprendes?" FUCK!

"Si.. Queria preguntarte, como te llamas!"

Yes, Yes, Yes... He asked me first!! I could say that this is the first time a guy asks me my name. It seems that I am that type of girl that chases guys. Well, it won't happen anymore. From now on! NO MORE!! You hear me?? NOOO MORE!!!

"My name is Cata... Me llamo Cata." Hello.. This is not an idiot! Stop acting like you are talking with a donkey! Chose a language and stick with it!

"Cata.. that's a strange name. From where it comes"

"China. Kata from Karate.. Don't you see my Chinese roots. HAHAHA" OMG.. such a stupid joke! "From Catalina." I say in a serious tone with a big blush on my face. Which he probably didn't see because of the low lights. Again : Thank you God!

"Oh. We have this name in Cuba. I like it very much. My name is ...." and unfortunately, in this moment I heard the beat from one of my favorite R&B songs, so my brain went from "on Cuban" to "on MUSIC"! (And I think he said something like Enrique or Ernesto.. Can't really remember DAMN ME! DAMN ME!!!)

The good thing that came from the song was that my body went from "stick like" to "in the mood". Without realizing my waist was moving in the rhythm of the music and my hands were looking for the Cuban moves which I knew were hiding underneath the guy's suit. It's been a long time since I found someone who can keep up with me. I was used with the guys sitting like stone figures while I was running around them, let's say dancing. But this Cuban. WOW! 

He pulled me close to him and put his hands on my waist, controlling my moves. Of course my hands found his neck and I started touching the skin from the back of the head, his ears, his cheeks. As the song went by, we got closer and closer, my cheeks touched his cheeks, his hands went from my back to my neck, towards my waist, getting under my shirt (no kinky stuff! perverts!hahahaha). The people around us disappeared one by one, until we were alone with the music. The time got slower and slower, and the moves as well. I almost touched his lips and I realized that I really wanted to kiss him. So I raised my head and looked him in the eyes. My heart stopped for a moment. The world stopped in this moment. This was it. One second in an eternity. And a kiss. 

A cuban fairy tale... in a romanian story!

The beat brings waves to my hips and with  my eyes closed I start moving with the rhythm. For the first time since I am here, the Norwegian crowd makes space and I can finally dance freely. Maybe is because I can do it so good when it comes to R&B. Maybe is because the guys told me earlier that I got the moves and now I reached a high level of confidence that everyone can feel. It doesn't matter. I just love to dance R&B!

As I am moving my body, I forget where I am and I get lost in the sounds, until I feel my hand pulled by someone. I turn around and I realize that my face is millimeters away from his face. HIS FACE! I remember why I came on the dance floor even tough I had just bought a beer. I was actually showing Marina the guy who blew my mind at the salsa party. And he is here. And he took my hand. And he is staring in my eyes as we speak. And I can feel his perfume. As a flash I remember the first time I saw him. 

I was for the first time at the salsa party. Oriana told me I would have a great time and even tough I didn't take salsa lessons she was sure that I can dance without any problems. As I was watching everybody dance on the Latin songs I was thinking that there's no way I could ever move like them. Let's take Oriana for example, you can instantly see that she has Latin blood in her veins. She moves like the dancers you can only see in movies. She shines. I could never shine like that. Not for the time being at least. At the request of my friend, one of the guys asked me for a dance and after a few moves he gave it up. Clearly I wasn't made to dance salsa. Or maybe I was made to dance salsa (I'm good at it... I know that) but I wasn't made to be lead by someone. That's for sure.

I was literally getting bored... until HE opened the door and stepped in the small place. My heart stopped for a few seconds. The brown skin, the big brown eyes, the fleshy lips, the black, with a shade of curly, hair ... He was perfect! If somebody would have seen me stare, they would have probably closed my mouth and cleaned the drool that was slowly dropping from it. As the time passed by I was trying to make me noticed, but it was close to impossible since a lot of girls were following him like bees follow their queen. Or fans follow Justin Beiber. Or flies follow... wait, this last one is not a good comparison!Of course, when he started dancing HE WAS UNBELIEVABLE. The confidence, the moves, the style. OMG!!!

Oriana told me something about asking him for a dance and it wasn't a bad idea. But every time I was getting close to him someone was stealing him. It seemed like I was chasing shadows. Or a man who is clearly too much for me. Because let's face it. He was in a place with a lot of beautiful ladies who danced Salsa, Bachata, Merengue and who knows how many other Latin styles. And among those beautiful ladies was me. A simple girl, that feels the moves... and I believe I was more than simple, since I didn't come with my skirt or something, I was wearing my usual jeans, with an usual top... cause I wanted to be comfortable. FUCK ME TENDER 'CAUSE I AM STUPID!!!

As the night passed, I actually danced a lot of salsa with a great dancer (I thank him a lot, cause he realized that leading me wasn't going to make me dance better! instead he lead me but permitted me to make my own moves as well. TUSEN TAKK) but even so, I still was watching my guy from far. As my dancer took 5 to have a glass of water, my guy came near me and for the first time since I saw him he was alone. Actually I think he came here(at the salsa place here.. so u don't get confused) with an older lady, but I am not judging so who cares! So I told myself the line I heard in a movie "Better 20 seconds of bravery than a life time of regret" and off I went towards my Brown guy.
Both of us realized that we knew and liked the song who's bells were clinking in the sound system. With a smile he softly took my hand into his and when the voice of the singer gave the start of the song... OH we danced. I smiled when I realized that he was firmly leading me. To the right, to the left, underneath his hands, in his back. When his hands were touching my back and my shoulders I was feeling my body lighter and lighter, as tough I was flying. I am sure we were perfect together. At least our dance was perfect. I didn't feel clumsy. I just felt the music and his hands. For 3 whole minutes I was the lead dancer of "Dance with me" and I was having near me my man!
Of course, the song ended and so did my perfect world, cause after a short conversation in which he told me he was a cuban (oh, that's why he was so sexy!), he left with the old lady. 
That happened almost one month ago. And now he is here... a few millimeters away from my face!!

To be continued...

Cata ... back in town!

It's been a while since I last wrote my stories here, but with the change of landscapes, i think I lost my sense of humor. Or my mojo. Or my adventurous side. Or just my writing skills. 

Or at least i thought I did, cause tonight, I realized that I really want to share something with the few people that are still reading something here. What do I want to share? Well, what else but my misfortune in the love area. 

I arrived in Romania on the 5th of June. Two days later, with my heart broken (because I miss all my international friends!), I watched the trees passing by, as I was approaching Brasov, my soul city. Seeing my friends, talking with them and being surrounded by the familiar places was supposed to make me feel better, but instead I was sinking in what seemed to be a very bad depression! Until the first clubbing night. 

"I forgot how small this place was" I was thinking while I was sitting in the uncomfortable couch. "And I must have forgotten how the romanian guys looked like" and with a whine I moved my head from the guys sitting on the surrounding chairs at the glass of Tequila waiting quietly for me. 

2 Tequilas and a couple of beers later, my world was a better place. The music was loud, the rhythm was inviting and the people were dancing like minions sent from a cartoon! They clearly needed my professional dance help! HAHAHA!! 

Of course, when I got up from the couch, the floor was moving like it was an earthquake, but who cared? Not me! The YMCA moves required some concentration so I tried not to give a damn about the moving objects around me. Moments later, a guy came and took me for a dance. I was actually glad, cause that meant that I wasn't so unappealing. After the song finished, another guy came to take me for a spin. That was strange. It must have been a good night for me. When the third guy appeared I was shocked! I went to the bathroom to see what the hell was happening to me. Don't get me wrong, I don't see myself the ugly duck or something like that, it was just that I wasn't in my best shape, I was more like a wreck. But still, having guys asking for a dance is kind of good for one's mojo! :D. IUHUUUU!

When I arrived from the bathroom, the guys (yes, all three of them) put me in between them and started dancing with me one after the other. This wasn't the strangest thing. The strangest thing was when each of them tried to kiss me. SERIOUSLY!!! WHAT THE HELL! 

It's not like they were ugly or something. I can't actually tell you that, since I don't remember any of their faces, but seriously... WHAT THE FUCK!! I instantly remembered that I came home with the plan to find my "one true love", "my soul mate" or at least one guy who I can stand and who can stand me and try to share a flat, a bank account and a dog. And I come home to THIS!! Well, they said "Be careful what you wish for" and they were more than right! 

I pushed two of them away without any problems, but the third one was kind of persistent. What could I do. My first weekend here and guys were jumping on me? PERFECT!! Just fucking perfect. My liquor vanished for a few seconds and my mind tried to find a way out of this situation... and that was :

When he pushed his lips towards my head, I turned it and let him kiss my cheek. I took his face with my palms, kissed his cheek as well, gave him a big hug and told him in the sweetest voice ever : "Don't worry, you will find the right person for you soon!", turned and left him standing like a stunned statue in the middle of the dance floor. He probably had his mouth wide open with astonishment... but who cared :P.

Yes, some of you might say that I lost some good opportunities, some others may say that I did very good what I did... I think... that they didn't have what they needed in order to receive my kiss. :P

A new beginning... or is it?

I was running like hell towards the hotel. I really didn't want to be late and I really didn't want to make a bad impression. When I finally reached the gate I was sure that my nightmare was over... until I jumped on the platform and the carpet ran from under my feet. I landed straight into my ass with a cloud of dust surrounding me. With a long sigh I started wondering "How did I end up being stressed over some plates??". And it hit me!
I heard the phone ringing and it seemed like a thunder striking my nerves. Irritated I opened one eye and I fixed it on the phone hoping that during the 2 hours of sleep i developed some super ability that could help me crush the person that called me. Or maybe just the phone. Or maybe I could at least turn off the sound. But no. Nothing happened. I was the same loser I had been before going to sleep. After 10 looong seconds the room was silent once more. Unfortunately, the voices in my head were awake.
Definitely I couldn't sleep anymore. Dizzy, I tried to get out of bed, but a force (called laziness) kept pulling me towards the bed. I stopped trying. Facing the white ceiling the unwanted thoughts came like a tsunami and I realized that tears were rushing on my face again.
"Stop it Cata" I told myself with a firm tone. At the same time, the phone made the message noise. "Saved by the bell"
"MEET ME AT 17:00 DOWNTOWN CAUSE I HAVE A JOB FOR U"
The message was from F's friend. Seriously?? After 1 month he sends me a message??? I actually lost hope. What if it's a prank? Who has a job on Saturday at 5?? It must be something fishy, cause it's too weird.
Of course I had a lot of doubts regarding the job. But if I had to chose between the party (were I was supposed to face my problems) and the risk of being a prank... I would take the risk. I would take 100 risks. I would walk in Romania and come back when I could find my mojo!
At 5, without telling anybody (it wasn't like I was hiding, I just didn't find anybody to tell) I went downtown to meet the guy and with him I entered in a whole new world.

For you!

We pass one by the other like we are strangers. It's been so long since we do that and now I don't even notice him. The first time was the hardest, cause I actually care about all the people I talk with. I cared a little about him too. But now, I can look into his eyes and feel nothing. Not even the shadow of an emotion. We were and we will continue to be strangers.
I start thinking about you. I'm doing that a lot, lately. The yellow sheets, the wet cat and the melted ice cream. It's like my center of tranquility. The last 7 days were some hard days for me, but the thought that I will talk with you by the end of the day was actually helping me get through the long hours, the  bleeding heart and the lack of tears.
A voice from my headphones brings me back to reality. I can understand clearly what she is saying. "Como me duele". A node is stuck intro my throat. I have two choices from this moment : to start crying here, in front of everybody, or to take a deep breath and put a smile on my face. It is said that having a smile on your face brings other smiles. It's really hard to smile when you don't want to. But even so, I start with a fake smile. It won't take long until the moment I meet one of them, and they will make me smile. I am sure about that.
Thank you.
Iti multumesc si tie in dulcele grai romanesc. Nu doar pentru ca ma asculti. Ci pentru ca imi vorbesti atunci cand tac.
Si nu doar tie. Ci si lor, pentru ca si ele sunt undeva, acolo. Si nu doar lor. Multumesc!

Pondering...

Do you believe in karma? The whole make one bad thing, receive worse bad thing back? Well, I really believe in karma. I mean the bad karma, at least. Each time I think about doing something bad, I reflect a bit about the consequences. Usually that stops me from actually doing the bad thing, so you should understand from this that I am a bad thinker :))). 

Anyway, besides karma (or maybe it's inside the "karma rules" hand-book, don't really know) I believe in receiving with one hand, and giving with the other. At every good you receive, at the next corner something bad awaits. This rule applies for my "love" life.

Let's imagine me in a normal night. Hanging out with my friends. Drinking, having fun. A guy, let's call him M, sits next to me and starts talking with me. After a quick look I apply the tag "not my type" and I ignore him. I think this is the moment when, in guys, the "Challenge accepted" plan is on. And probably in girls too. Definitely in girls too. M at seeing me uninterested of his person, starts paying attention at my conversation with the others. He finds a window in the conversation and he contradicts what I have to say. Who can refuse a debate? WHO?? (P.S : my friends know very well that I love debates. Especially when I know I'm right :p)

From a debate to a kiss it's not such a long distance ...Actually it's a very long distance, but somewhere in our talk I realized that the guy wasn't such a waste. But let's not focus on that..  So by the end of the night, with the help of a few beers, me and MR are walking in the park, kissing, holding hands, all the bullshit that u find in love stories. Happy Happy Joy Joy. 

The next morning, the guy calls me and he tells me that he had a really nice night, that he really wants to see me again, bla bla bla. We settle a meeting after I finish work. Being the karma believer that I am, I was waiting the entire day for a thunder to strike me. Or an earthquake to kill me. Or maybe a choke to death sequence. Something. But no, the day was really quiet. I didn't get fired. I wasn't hit by a car. I didn't fell on the stairs. I really had a normal day. 

But, karma had something nice planed for me... Oh, karma. She's not cruel with me, she's just a bitch! In the evening I was on my way to meet the guy. I was feeling tired, but at remembering the night that passed I was excited at the same time. Excited is a really soft word, cause I get beyond excited when something good happens. I mean I think about that good all day, all night. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything 100%. I think and over think and remember and over remember and I see the good thing until the karma slaps the hell out of me!

So now I just have to open the door to see him. He waits for me and I can see that he is a bit nervous. I take a deep breath and I go outside. He looks towards me. And the very next second I see at him the face "Damn, this is definitely NOT the top-model I was with last night". Or maybe it's called "Fuck you, beer!". Or "I will never drink again. EVER!". If you know it's name (the face's name, not my date's name!), feel free to share it! I'm sure you felt it or seen it at least once. Anyway, my excitement was flushed down the drain, and even if I was wrong regarding his reaction, without my excitement I had nothing to do with him. We had a boring night. With a boring conversation. With a boring good bye. So ... thank you karma! Or maybe thank you, my excitement. Or maybe, thank you brain. Either way, I'm hopeless!

Don't talk with your mouth full!

I was sure I didn't want to see him anymore. I usually don't want to see the person in front of which I make a fool out of myself. How many of you are nervous in the presence of someone they like? Well, I was eating and talking at the same time. I have to do that, because being quiet is not one of my strong skills. Not even when I'm eating. So I was telling something really funny. And I was so amused about what I was saying that I started laughing. Of course, I never saw the next thing coming. The food that was in my mouth went all over his face. "FUUUCK..."
Small bread crumbs were leaking slowly on his cheek and a piece of ham was stuck on his nose. I wasn't sure if I should be happy that I didn't chew enough the food. With my mouth still open I was staring at him and praying for God to open a hole under my feet. God didn't. I think I stopped breathing for a while. He looked at his plate for what seemed to be an eternity. Then, started laughing. I should have been happy. But inside of me something died. How the hell do I end up in this situations??
The next day, I was walking towards home thinking that I have to avoid seeing him just for a couple of centuries. Of course, while I was thinking at an ingenious "invisible for him" plan, God did one of his magic tricks and in front of me appeared the unavoidable. HIM! Damn! Damn!?!?!?! Why is this happening to me. I looked around for an open door, open window, hole, sand, mud ... something where I can throw myself in, at or against. Nothing . At seeing me he put the smile on his face. At seeing his reaction, I put the creepy, nervous, "I wish a bomb would explode in this second" smile. He stopped. I stopped.
"How are you" he asked with the sweetest voice.
"Hummmmgood..." while staring my shoes. I could almost see the signs that my food left on his face. WHYYY????
"Soo... I'll be seeing you around?"
"Hummm... mmmyes..."
"Not for dinner, that's for sure" and he started laughing.
My face went red as a lobster. For sure. No dinner, no lunch, breakfast, brunch, snack... not even drinking water. Nothing!! 

Skiing? Been there, done that!

It was a hard night. Not because I had something to do, but because my mind was refusing to turn off the light. I was too busy to think about today, about this and about him. Now I can't do anything about him, but I can do something about this. I refuse to be scared and I refuse to give up. I remember what Carlos told me last night and I hope that bending my knees and crossing my legs will do the charm. Here goes nothing.

I closed my eyes while I made the first slide. It wasn't a good idea, cause besides the fact that I felt all of my weight dragging me towards the snow, I couldn't see if I even moved. As I made contact with the ground I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. Unlike ice (in skating), snow is fluffy and puffy and doesn't hurt at all.

I started laughing as I was trying to get up. The boots where too heavy and the skies to long. How the hell does anyone lift themselves up? Someone helped me get up. I tried again. I felt again. And again. And again. It was terrible. Not the fact that I as falling all the time, but not being able to get up all by myself was getting on my nerves. Until the perfect moment when I put all my strength in my hands, I pushed and I got up. I felt again, I got up again... My fear was gone.

After a few hours of falling, I finally got the scheme. I bended my knees, I crossed a bit the legs, I went in diagonal and I put the weight on one leg to change the direction. Then I put the weight on the other leg. Then, at reaching the bottom of the hill, I stopped. On my feet. Not on my ass. I started cheering and I didn't care one bit that all of them were watching me. I bet they smiled too. For me. I went up again, I came down. Each slide gave me more power. I can do it. I can do anything!

At 2 am...

She is trying to keep her eyes closed, but the image in her head is hunting her. The crazy woman's face appears deformed and creepy. It is worse than she first saw her. The cuts on her inner lip, the childish voice, her black hair and her red eyes, were all she could see. She finally decides that the darkness of the room is less horrifying. She rounds the room, as too see if any shape that shouldn't be there made its entrance. It is safe. For now. What if someone would open the door now? She would probably die alone, from a scarce. Shameful! Again, the voice is talking in her head, and she is terrified with each passing moment. 

She tries to put in her head images of the people she loved. But unfortunately all of them are far away. She can't see their faces anymore and the images she barely remembers are transformed. The teeth are deformed, the eyes are loosing their color and red blood is filling them, the hair is either falling or raising. She can't take it anymore. Why are these images following her? 

She knows that tonight the nightmares will be back. At home they were there only twice a year. When she was stressed. Now she is alone. No one to wake her up in the middle of the night. Last week she woke up because she started screaming. She needs someone. She really needs someone. 

Flirting ...

As I was working hard for my project, in a small "mind break" (I take this kind of breaks every 10 minutes or so for 30 minutes :)))) ) I started thinking about my "flirting when I have some alcohol in the system" mode and I realized some bad, bad connection that my drunk neurons make. Even as I write, I blush!!!

So... imagine me kissing a guy. Enjoying very much the kissing. Actually stop talking with myself while kissing (you know, that thing girls do all the time : OVER THINKING!!). And suddenly a big flow of information popping in my head. 

"Wooow. This guy is really nice. I really think that he is one of the nicest guys I met. I mean, with my previous luck, nice guy has a pretty low scale in my mind, but this guy is really really nice. Not just now, all the time. I think. I suppose. I should tell him."

Kissing

" Uuuuu.. I love this song! LaaaLaaaLaaa.. "

Still kissing

"Oh wait. Where was I? Ah  ... nice guy, nice kissing! Nice guy. Sweet guy. Sweet like chocolate. I love chocolate. I would eat some chocolate, but not now. Cause he kisses really good! Seriously I should tell him that he is a really sweet guy! Sweet as chocolate!! I'm gonna tell him! Chocolate guy! HiHiHi"

So I stop kissing him, I stare into his eyes. A long stare where I tried to put all the emotion I felt. I bet that not being able to keep my eyes open and slightly shaking my head because of the lack of balance didn't help too much at the emotion part. Anyway, as I was looking into his eyes I realized that I really enjoy his presence. And he is a nice guy. Sweet as chocolate. What did I tell him?

"I could eat you all up! Not just your face! All of you! EAT YOU ALL UP!!"

Is it?

"I prefer young people" 

He doesn't realize the effect that the words have on me. We all will be in that place : old. As I was saying in a previous post, I believe in karma and having this attitude towards old people can't bring anything good.

It will probably be a time when I will stop people on the street to talk with them and I will try to share some of my wisdom (I hope that I will gather some until then)... I would like that instead of having a "She's the crazy old woman who talks with whoever listens" reaction, people would actually stop, smile and truly listen to what I have to say.

I would like to tell him the ancient line "Who doesn't have elder figures, should buy some" but I stop, because I know that the older person he is talking about isn't such a nice presence. Who am I to tell him that kindness comes from the heart and it should be for everybody.

I remember that not so many years ago I had a very bad reaction at my parents advices. How wrong was I... Instead of appreciating what they had to say, I was seeing myself as the person who knew best. I was just a teenager. Now I have my ears wide open to any words that my mom or my dad have for me. I try to listen first and act after. 

I know that probably some of you won't understand... but wisdom comes with age...

Future?

After hearing my sister saying the terrible words "Cata, don't you realize that this year I will turn 28!" I make a fast calculation in my mind, as sqrt(cos(x))*cos(200 x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01... to see what's my age and when I finally have my result I ... I am shocked! 

I will be 27 years old, this October. 27. It seemed like yesterday I had 20 years old and the whole world was at my feet. Now I am almost 27 and I can't see myself in 5 years. I mean I can see myself professionally speaking : still washing dishes!! (Let's hope I don't jinx my future, cause I would really hate to have as one of  my top stories : "Today was a good day.. Didn't break any glass!"... )

Now seriously talking, I am 26, going on 27 and no future plans. I think one of my common lines lately is "I will die alone and my dogs will eat me because nobody will call to see if i'm alright... and because nobody will find my body they will think that I eloped in some foreign country with a beautiful stranger... I eloped because I finally realized that being married isn't the worse thing that can happen to a couple... And they would be so wrong, cause I would be in the belly of my dogs... My 10 dogs... ". Why do I have this terrible thoughts? Cause I want to have many dogs :))). No, it's because I can't see myself being as committed as somebody should be in order to have a relationship. 

My sister starts laughing at seeing my concentrated face and she tells me in between the HaHaHas "You know you will die forever alone, don't you"

A tear almost bursts into the corner of my eye. The smallest violin of the world is finally playing for me... FUUUCK!

Are you straight?

"Are u straight?"

At hearing the question a mountain of thoughts popped into my mind. I never spoke with this guy, except the usual "Hi". And I know I don't look as my best in this environment, but let's face it, who would wear their good clothes or high heels at washing dishes? There's one situation in which I would do that and it implies a cute guy who's telling very good jokes near me! But in a 6 hour washing dishes job I swear I wouldn't get near my high heels. Or would I... Again it would be necessary a VERY good looking guy that has some top of the mountain jokes! I would come with my sexy blouse if ... Oh wait... I'm still staring at the guy and a voice delivers back into my head the "straight" question. Don't I look straight? I mean maybe that's THE answer of my failures in finding a guy. Maybe I don't look straight. But still, I think it should be pretty stupid for a guy to think that I'm "on the other side" and not try to do something something. Cause let's face it "three some" wouldn't be a big deal for someone who isn't straight. It's not such a big deal for straight people... Oh.. yes it is! Probably it's a big deal for gays too. But for bi. But he didn't ask me if I was bi... DAMN! I think he had enough of staring. 

"Hmmm... Usually I try to walk as straight as I can... "

I'm not sure if he's smiling at my answer or at me. I mean what can I answer??? 

"Why? Don't I look straight enough to you. Or did you mean to ask me if I'm straight in some other way?"

I raise one of my eyebrows waiting for an answer and I'm really curious if he wants to start a conversation in this area. I mean ... Seriously!! Don't I look straight???

"Hmm. It's written on your shirt. Streit-og-somethingsomething and I was wondering if you are STREIT". 

"......." (in my mind : FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK)

Stressed...

Grapes and white chocolate go very well together when you are stressed. Thank God I'm a woman and I will feel guilty "only" tomorrow! Hope skating will minimize the guiltiness! If not, for sure Zumba or Spinning will do miracles! Keep the finger crossed and a positive attitude! And wish me, not to break a leg, but to pass my exam!

Interview!

Story of my life? Arriving late at interviews... 

What happened this time? Two companies with similar names, having the offices close one to the other. Only one of the companies has bigger offices, thus making itself better noticed. 

So imagine me leaving at 11:45 in order to arrive at the interview earlier. Asking for directions and fortunately obtaining them. Starting conversation with a total stranger, just because he is going to help me in my "quest". Not paying attention to my map, instead having a really nice conversation with the Norwegian guy (love this thing about Norway). Arriving at the company 15 minutes early. 

"Can I help you?" the receptionist asked me with a big smile on her face.

"Actually I have an interview at 1 o'clock, but I arrived earlier in order to be sure that I will find the building at the right time. It seems that you are pretty easy to find" I answered smiling back at her (I think my smile was bigger than hers. It sounds creepy, but it actually isn't ... or wasn't... or I hope it wasn't!). 

"Can you tell me the name of the person you have an interview with?"

"Of course... Bla bla.."

"Hmmm.. Can you tell me a last name?"

"Better. I can give you a business card" 

"Hmmm... This is not the company you are looking for"

"...."

"This is another company"

"....."

"The offices of this other company are in the other side of the school"

"...." (in the same time, in my mind ""#¤"#%¤#&#"&/&(/&(& FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK")

"Hmmmm... here is your card back"

".... have a nice day" (I was still smiling, but it was that awkward stupid smile... like you see on puppies when they piss on the carpet!)

As I was leaving from this office I was looking at my HAND MADE map, in order to see if I can figure out where I am. I was still pretty chilled knowing that if I won't find the offices in time I will call and tell them I am lost. After 10 minutes I reached my phone. I dialed the number pleased that I was smart enough to bring the brochures from the company. Instead of hearing the sound of an outgoing call I hear the Norwegian voice that was probably telling me "Dear Sucker... this is the wrong day to not check your credit on the phone. U're poor! U can't make even one call! Nothing.. MUHAHAHA!!!". I froze. I took a deep breath and after telling myself that I can't miss the opportunity to have an interview with this company I mobilized my energy and my logic... Go back to the bus station. Go back on the previous station. Search for the streets that appear on the map. After 10 more minutes I was on the right track. And after 5 more minutes I found the company. Ieei. 

What can you learn from this : never give up, never stop searching, er.. don't take a hand made map ... and check your credit before going to an interview.

Fuuny? Funny!!!

How can someone forget to be funny? I personally blame it on English, cause in Romanian I am hilarious. In Romanian I can make you laugh about all the non-sense that happened to me. Starting with my great and entertaining love life, to my perfect computer skills and of course, let's not forget about the situations in which I make a total fool out of myself.

One of those situations? I saw at a guy's status on Facebook something like "Miss my J.". If you see that status on someone's wall, what do you think he's talking about? Oh, he misses his girlfriend or his friend, or his sister, or his brother or something like that, no? Well, my first thought was : "I miss my dog too!". And since I am all about first thoughts I opened his chat window and told him I miss my dog too, I can't wait to go home and see it and other clearly love dog related stuff. But after I finished writing the last word, I realized that maybe I'm wrong.. and because I kinda' liked him I tried to cheer things up with: "Hmmm... I hope J is not your nephew or something... cause even if I compare kids with dogs, it would be just wrong to compare your own nephew with my dog... Still dogs are easier to handle than kids! :))) (LNCSCLB - laughing nervously with chances of start crying in a little bit)".

The next one? I am trying to improve my Spanish. So that implies that sometimes when I am with the Spanish people I try to contribute with Spanish words at the conversation. We were talking about drinking and the home made beer we are drinking here in Norway. And I wanted to say that besides beer I like tequila shots. Or something shots. SHOTS! In Romania when you are a bit drunk you are "ciupit" and from a soap opera or who knows what bloody song or video I made the connection between the Romanian "ciupit" and the Spanish "ciupar" and in the middle of the conversation I said that "Me gusta ciupar". Everybody stopped talking and stared at me. Because I didn't like the silence surrounding me, I felt the need to repeat myself and I said again "Que pasa? Me gusta ciupar!". At this second "ciupar" a burst of laughter began. And continued for a while. I laughed only because everybody else was laughing, and just to be sure I was the cause I said "No me gusta ciupar?". I found out later that I was telling everyone that I like to suck... GREAT!!!

Thoughts from the shadows...

Poza luata de aici

She was hearing voices from the next room and she realized that it's time to open her eyes. The white ceiling was staring cruel at her. "Another day of waiting for him... locked into his room". She stretched out her hand hoping that maybe he didn't leave, but he was long gone. With a heavy sigh she closed her eyes. Images of the night that passed were rushing in her head. "Is it all worth this?" she thought while she strained her legs. She had to go to the bathroom, but the people from the next room were still talking. She didn't want to face any of them. Not after all that happened. It wasn't even her fault. All because of that shameless bitch, who started talking about lies and cheating and everything. Why do people care about her life, who is she dating, what is she doing here? Why is she supposed to talk with someone about him? She stopped breathing for a second while the voices moved to the corridor. But no, unfortunately the voices kept on going. She was sick of hiding. She remembered the last conversation she had with her. "I will still talk with you, but don't expect things to be as they were." she said with a chocked voice "I trusted you and you hurt me. I don't care about him. You hurt me!" she continued with a sad smile.
"Sad my ass. Cow! What was she expecting? To rush to her as soon as I slept with him? And tell her what? Excuse me, I slept with the same guy you slept a few weeks ago? And let me tell you he has some magic fingers, uhuuu? Seriously!" She let a growl escape from between her lips and she tightened her fists. "I hate her!"
Suddenly the voices stopped. Did they hear her? She could hear her heart beating and she felt like in a horror movie. The front door opened and she heard a voice saying something and then everybody laughing. She knew it was her. She was in the next room, talking out loud, laughing and surrounded by people. "And I am here. Alone. In the dark. Waiting for him. Is it worth it?"

But alone?

"The white ceiling stares at me, as much as I stare at it. I try to come up with some words that can express what I feel, but the letters seem to fade away with each attempt. I want to say so many things... my story, but the fear of failing strangles my thoughts."

The light entered the room and a strange breeze made her tremble. She put her head on the sofa and turned her green eyes towards the window. The grey clouds and the dark snow didn't help. When did she become this person. Where are the books she always bought? Where are the documentaries she always watched? Where is the bench near the green tree and the love story that gave her hope?She couldn't watch anymore. She faced the ceiling again and then she turned her eyes at her drawings. They reminded her about the first years of college. A tear was making its way on the cheek.

"Ufff..." 

She closed her eyes and she tried to remember her second day on the bicycle. It was awful, her ass hurt like hell, but she was proud of the moment when she hooped alone on the two wheeled monster. She knew after that moment that she can do everything. And when she was on top of the tree, walking on some not to steady pieces of wood... on one side she had the forest on the other the magnificent view. And she was on top of the world. She can do everything. And when she was on the small stone, between to two rocks. Definitely she can do it. 

But alone?

If I could turn back time...

If I would have a time machine ... and I would be able to change 10 things in my life I would :


1. Kiss my mom and dad, my brother and sister, and call them as often as I can to tell them I miss them;
2. Spend more time with my friends and tell them as often as I can how much they mean to me... be more honest with them;
3. Slap the guys who made fun of me because I was too fat, even though I was just fluffy;
4.Know when is time to say 'Good Bye' and move on with my life...;
5. Try to leave my jealousy behind and enjoy life and him as he is;
6. Kiss the guy who after I felt and injured my knee, bent down, cleaned it and kissed it gentle in order to pass;
7. Take the hand of the guy who stayed by my bed an entire night, even if he knew that I liked somebody else;
8.  Tell Vasile's group that it got separated and I'm not the only one that changed... I'm the only one who tried to keep in touch...
9. Choose Math Faculty just to see how that works for me ...
10. Love the image I see in the mirror at the right time!

Fun Fact : good girls over bad boys!

I bet a lot of you ask yourself why are good girls going after the bad guys (for example why doesn't a girl care about the line 'I did a lot of bad thing in my life'..), well this is why :  

1. The guy is really good looking and that usually erase a lot of bad things that one can do;

2. Bad things... what is the actual definition of bad? Because in some cases things can't be as bad as they sound. Except murder and rape. Well, there is only one excuse that can rule out the murder exception : if the guy is a vampire. And if the guy is a awesome vampire he actually doesn't have the fault for all the blood sucking. Hunger is hunger!

3. Why would a bad guy say that he did bad things? He must have a very good soul because he thinks that the girl should know that he isn't a saint. Who is a saint? Let the first one throw the rock!

4. OK. He really is a bad person. He treats others like shit. But when he is with you, he is a little bit different. He doesn't yell so loud, he doesn't get into a fight as often. I bet you are the one to change him. You can make him a better person. Challenge accepted!

5. I have the baddest boy around town.  I'm cool!!

Fun Fact : jumping and landing are two different things!

 Today I learned a great lesson of life : having a perfect jump doesn't necessarily mean that you will have a big landing.
I wanted to make a big and great jump. I needed it, because not doing anything all day long (because you sleep all day long!!) messes with my head. So, I wanted to jump from a lower place to a higher place. Believe me, the jump was great! But the landing... The carpet ran from under my feet and I landed directly on my ass. This is one of the rare occasions where I'm actually grateful to have a big ass. Let's hope that the cameras that where pointed in my direction captured the moment and it will become a great gag someday. It should, because if you see my face when I go for the jump is like I want to win a championship of jumping.