When the picture is to ugly, look for another angle. I am thinking over and over again at this sentence, and I am trying to see another angle, but it doesn't work. I swear that the man who invented these words was drunk. And yes, only a man could invent such words. The commercial with the drunk man that sees a beautiful women through the bottle of beer, instead of the monster that was there a few seconds ago, pops into my head.
Damn, that won't help me solve anything. I want to look at the sky, but instead I look at the grey cellar from over my head. The phone from my hand starts vibrating and it scares me a lot. I put it under the pillow and I hope that he won't hear it. F**k! I tell myself that I am a hypocrite, because I tell everybody who listens that I am against looking in someone's phone. But now, after reading the messages, I understand all the crazy girlfriends, and I agree that if something smells fishy this is the easy way to see where the smell is coming from. Fortunately, the phone stops making noise and he still is in the shower.
I bang my head on the wall and I raise the phone at the level of my eyes. I can't stop reading from it. It's like an addiction, even if you know you shouldn't, you keep doing it. How is this fair? How? Why should someone lie? Especially to someone that says out loud that he/she can take anything but lies.
From BlaBla(him) to BlaBla(a she) 'Still on for the meeting tonight? I might crash at your place, cause I want to taste you a little bit..'. I can't read anymore and I let my hand fall near me. I hear him getting out from the shower and I put the phone gently under the pillow. He is singing a song, not suspecting anything.
'Why are u staying so dull?' he asks me while he searches for a pair of underwear in my drawer.
'Bored. Are you sure you have to stay at work tonight ?' I ask as naive as I could be in this moment.
'Sorry love, work is work.' he approaches me naked as he is, and kisses me gently. 'I promise I will make it up to you' and before I have the chance to say anything he continues his search for underwear.
I am remembering our first serious conversation, in which we were agreeing that we will have an open relationship, in which we can meet other people if we want. Why lie now? Why lie at all?
As a kid time didn't meant to much in my life, I had time to play and that made me really happy, but as years went by I realized that the only thing you don't have to play with is time. You won't have time to do everything you want, so you must take your chance and enjoy all the opportunities as they come. Thinking twice might ruin too many chances, not thinking at all might keep your chances away. Take your time, but don't ever forget that time doesn't wait for you.
The year that is about to finish brought many happy moments. It began by filling the gaps in my life with new and great people. From the people of my school, to the people from my work, I was constantly surrounded by persons with whom I was able to have serious conversations, great laughs and a lot of dancing. Being a part of a group, helps a lot an individual. It helped me by improving my social skills and my bad jokes. The jokes are still pretty bad, but imagine they are better than the ones from last year! I want to thank them for accepting me as I am, for dancing with me, for singing next to me and especially for keeping in touch even when so many kilometers are in between.
Last year came with a very important change in my life. I am able to visit and live in another country. For the first time in my life I am in a place where Romanian isn't the native language and I don't meet the usual people every step of the way (actually, now I know a lot of people, so I can meet usual people each step of the way, but at first I was all alone :p). I had the chance to see a lot of beautiful landscapes, I had the chance to sit on a stone between two rocks at an altitude of 1000m above the ground, I had the chance to be in another world. Besides that, the best chance offered by this year was meeting different cultures. Living, eating and drinking in a environment where it doesn't count the color of the skin or the tallness, not even the language you speak back home. No! The only think that matters was that you are here. I want to thank my international friends for being as they are, for being from where they are and for all the great parties we had together. May many more come in the new year.
Another think that the year 2011 brought, was and is homesickness. Missing my family and my friends as I never missed them before. Being apart from them didn't seem such a problem, when that apart meant the same country, now it's painful. Painful because time doesn't stop for them, and I got to miss a lot of important moments, birthdays, Christmas and New Years. I know that the new world is a blessing, but that won't ever replace my world from back home. I am thinking of you each day. Thanks for thinking of me too! I love you!
2011 in a few words : new, joy, dance, music, study, longing, friends, GREAT!
The smell of the fir tree, recently brought by my dad in the house and it's green color.
The small lights surrounding the branches and spreading colorful rays.
The glossy globes that seem to float. Pucky playing with the globe from the last branch.
My dad hugging my mom and telling her that he wants to taste the traditional food that is still on a small fire.
My mom slapping his hand because he tastes it and after that he takes another spoon, and another and another... Just to be sure he got the right taste.
My brother making surprises for everybody and buying for me a perfume I usually hate :)). He getting upset and telling me that the next year Santa won't bring me anything. The next year he still loves me.
My sister screaming that somebody wake her up too early. Being cranky until I make a super joke. Even if it's about her, she laughs with all her heart.
White snow, puffy and soft. A snow man that it's far from the ones u see in movies, but that it's perfect just because he has a special shape.
The carols we sing watching the Christmas tree that shines in the room. My dad loves carols. My mom sings with us. Our precious family time.
The presents that wait for us under the tree. The waking up at 5am in the morning in order to see if you were as good as you thought. Childhood. Waiting for the bike and receiving the doll. Being as excited as before. Breaking the doll to soon.
The city that shines. The lights you see everywhere. Angels, sleighs, reindeer, Santa Claus.
The girl. The guys. My brother. My sister. Mom and dad. The people that matters.
It's needless to tell you the road from Oslo to Stavanger, because even if my eyes didn't close, my mind slept all the way!
I think that the main difference between me and the new civilization I encounter is I can't sleep thinking that someone would steal my big, big luggage that is in the open luggage area. The Romanian thinking is still fresh in my head and I can't imagine how people can be so relaxed knowing that their stuff is in the other part of the train. At last I see on the screen Stavanger and with my heart beating like crazy I take my luggage and wait for the door to open.
As soon as I step on steady ground I take a deep breath and I look around. I think I have the stare that usually all the tourists have when they come in a new environment. Well, for me everything is glowing. The train I am leaving behind, the small train station, the lake from the center, the seagulls, the people. Everything is moving in slow motion and with a smile on my face I try to gather as much landscape as I can. Now that I think a bit, the slow motion might be from the weight of my luggage. Anyway, the smile is a real thing. This moment is the ending of the epilogue of my adventure and the starting of it's introduction.
It's Saturday already (I began my journey Thursday) and even if it's a beautiful evening outside the street is kind of empty. I see a little girl in a bus station and I go to her. I doubt she knows English, but I have the International Guide and she has to know where the University is. No?
"Excuse me, University of Stavanger, where?" Of course, i'm using my hands in order to mime what i'm asking, and I know I act like I am talking with a monkey or a dog, but I want to be sure that she understands what I want to ask her. She looks at me strange and answers me in a perfect English "If you want to go to the University you have to wait here for the bus no. 6. You can ask the driver to show you where to stop."
Like in cartoons I stare blankly for a few seconds.
The bus leaves me in the street. Literally in the street. I carry my burden next to a board which says that I'm at the UiS buildings and I try to enter the door. It's closed. Hmmm. I crawl myself and the luggage until the next door. Closed. F**k! @#%$# I try to kick the luggage, but all I end up doing is hoping in one leg. It hurt me more than I hurt it. I made up my mind and leaving all my stuff behind I started looking for a door. I am really tired and for me this place was suppose to be the Heaven. Instead, I can't find the main building and I'm lost in an area where every building had UiS on it. I tell myself loudly (as usual) that I should calm down and try to act intelligent. After a check up of the map I finally realize where I am and where I have to go.
I enter the building and when I see the smiley faces that are waiting for me I fell much lighter. I literally could fly just about now. Seriously. Good thing that I have my luggage to keep me on the ground. They ask me for the passport and they go for the papers.
"Andreea, for a person with such a big luggage you have a very small amount of luck"
How bad can it be, i'm thinking. I have a big smile on my face and I answer as if I just heard a joke "Actually, the luggage carries me!" and then i add taking my serious tone "I have all my life inside, so wherever I go, the big fella' follows".
After they tell the address and how exactly I should reach it, I am seriously thinking to leave the luggage behind. I have to walk 10 min until the bus station, and after that exchange 2 buses, and after that I have to search the address.SHIT! SHIT!
She looked for him in the crowd and when she finally spotted him, he was staring at her. After so many months of ignoring her, it was almost unreal that he stared at her. She turned around, as for reassuring herself that it's not a mistake, and after that she started walking towards him. She didn't know if her heart was bouncing because of the emotions or just because she danced a lot that night. As he was closing up, her memories of their last talk were starting to appear in her head.
"It doesn't matter anymore". She still had a good image of her last sentence written on the messenger window and now, into her mind, it appeared like a glow on the laptop's screen. It should have been the last sentence she was ever supposed to address him. But now, after seeing him,something inside her wanted to clarify everything.
"Hi" she said with a broken smile. Checking his features she was wondering what exactly was the trigger of her feelings for him.
He raised his eyebrow and without even noticing her desperate figure he took her hand and whispered in a sensual tone "Finally, realized you are missing me?" He wanted to kiss her ear, but she slowly pushed him away.
"Do you have 5 minutes for me?"
"Baby, I have more than 5 min. If everything goes a'right, I can give you a morning too" with an embrace he was trying to push her gentle into the wall.
She looked at him with sorrow in her eyes. If she would have had more drinks, she probably would be in his bed by now. Unfortunately she didn't. Unfortunately.
She released herself from the embrace and taking his hand into her own she led him outside. She went to the hidden bench and sat him slowly on it. He didn't want to let go of her arm and he was trying to find her mouth with his lips. Growling like a small bear he was thinking that she was in mood for jokes so he grabbed her in a forced embraced and kissed her firmly. She was taking by surprise and after he released her from the embrace she slapped him as strong as she could.
The sound of the slap was still in the air. All the alcohol vanished at the touch of her hand with his cheek. He was looking at her. With her hand shaking she was wondering why did she react like that.
"We were supposed to be perfect for each other" she turned her face towards him. "We were supposed to be perfect for each other. Why did you screw this up?" she asked while she sat next to him.
He turned his eye to the tree next to the bench and his leaps, so eager to open a few seconds ago, now were shut in a deep silence.
"I always wonder why did I fancy you. You are one of the worst guys I ever had something to do with." she began her speech without knowing how exactly would this help her feel better. "And still my guts tell me that you are a good person deep down inside. But I am tired. You know why we are so perfect one for the other? Do you?" She was looking for his eyes. She touched his face and their eyes meet.
"We are perfect because both of us are looking for persons that leave us. I am looking for guys that aren't reliable and that don't see in me more than a tool, and you are looking for girls that leave you for another life, man or country. In a weird sense, we are actually more alike than I'd want to. You are a mess inside and you stopped believing. I am ... " she smiled.
She raise from the bench and she left without saying anything.
As she was heading for the bus station she realized that she isn't crying. It was so simple. Everything. Life. Him. She should have stopped chasing shadows. At least she didn't came for nothing. She now knew that this chapter of her life is over.
I never thought that studying could need so many hours spent in the library, so many books opened and so many brain cells. I mean, in Romania it doesn't seem so hard. Or maybe the fact that I love what I study there is making things easier? Anyway, I don't want to say anything about studies, but about the study place from the University.
I arrived here since 10am. Went to a course, but didn't quite paid attention to what the teacher had to say. Blame me or blame him for that. I would blame him if I were you (not because i don't want to blame me), because he sucks all the fun from the subject. I actually would have put my money on this course, but as time passed I realized that I would actually put my money on the lyric part of the subject. At last, the course finished and me and some colleagues went to our department's study room. Imagine leather couch, big projector that can be connected to any laptop, fridges, tables, black board, coffee machine... Any student's dream! Actually not any learning student's dream, more of any student's break time dream. 'Cause for study I need people around me that studies, otherwise I may as well stay at home and find something to waste time with! So, after doing some of the work, everybody wanted to go home. I didn't. So I choose to move my study to the library. Nothing wrong there. Except the only table that is available is actually near a...
Let me help u imagine near what! I was very concentrated to find an answer to a problem. I raised my eyes from the book to find a good place to stare at. The first thing i saw : an ass! Not just any ass. A man's ass! A naked man's ass! It belongs to a bronze statue that represents a naked man that kisses his naked girlfriend. Just stared a bit longer and I realized that u can see a little bit of her tit. At least I'm not at her side and I can stare at his ass :))). At the moment I forgot any solution I might have had. Guess I'll change this place. I don't want others to think I'm a stalker or something like that. Think it would be totally wrong to touch his ass on my way out? I already saw all the cracks =))).
Don't know how to play the game. I try. But i end up in a sad corner of the darkest room with the head on my knees and painful tears coming out of my eyes. Who makes the bloody rules and who decides who's winning? I search for signs and words that can help me, but no one knows how to spell them right. Or maybe I don't understand enough. First is the rage. After that is the sadness. The last one is the sound of another piece felling into the abyss. It's nobody's fault that I'm outside the box.
"Think positive" I hear a voice inside. I'm tired of that. Or maybe I'm just tired.
I'm being melodramatic. But ain't that part of everyday life? I'm loosing some. Instead of screaming, crawling and breaking, i'm just writing, crying and wondering. Wondering again and again where was the flaw. Facing the fact that the guilty one lies within me and only me.
Tomorrow I'll get up and face another day with a big smile on my face and another pot of trust. But... today... let me moan.
The first time i liked someone, i was a teenager girl who loved more the place than the person. I didn't like him as a guy, i liked him as the guy who always was in the same place. It was my comfortable place. I thought he liked me. I was wrong. He liked my friend. And i ended up just with the place. I realized that maybe the guy and the place are stuck one to another, because after he left I could see only some dirty walls and a pair of grey stairs.
The next time I liked someone, I was a teenager girl who loved more the body than the brain. I didn't listen words that came out of the beautiful lips, or sentence that made their way through the enchanting face. But i liked his hands, his chest, his legs. I never got to touch any of those, because I knew that he didn't liked me. At all. I tried to worship the body, but I didn't pay any attention to the soul, or the mind. He told me that he would have wanted someone different. Someone that listened to what he had to say. I lost. I realized that the body can vanish, but the mind can reach immortality.
The next time I liked someone, I was a girl who just found true love. I loved the way he talked, I loved the way he walked, I loved the way he ate. But I forgot loving the most important thing. Me. I didn't get a chance to love him as I wanted, because I was to afraid to be loved. And to be hurt. I realized that you can love someone with all your heart, if you don't love yourself it's all for nothing.
The next time I liked someone, I was a strong girl who wanted a guy at her arm. I wasn't expecting anything from him and from my time with him. I trusted him, but I didn't trust him with anything. I didn't have any feelings. I was a body outside and a statue inside. I promised myself that I wouldn't care about him. And I didn't. But I lost again. I realized that feelings make u human, not having feeling makes u... lonely.
The next time I liked someone, I was a different girl. Mix of feelings from my heart and my mind. I hated the games which one plays in order to be happy. I hated the whispers in ones ears. I hated the lies and the acts. I was wrong. It seems that shadows of our actions hunts us every time we walk. I realized that if there's a game and it needs players, if you aren't up for it, step aside.
In the pitch black surrounding me an image of a big TV appeared. On that TV I am seeing a lot of numbers and a lot of words in a language I don't know. It's all black again. After a few more seconds another image appears. This time it's a door through which a lot of shadows are passing. After blinking for a few times, I realize that I'm not in a dream, I just have a hard time waking up.
I'm feeling my eyes very heavy and my back hurts like hell. I will try to sleep in another place the next time I end up in a station at midnight. But until then I have to get up and start my day. After hearing all the stories about guys that left their luggage unsupervised that either they end up at the police or without them, I thought (What the F**k) I can't leave my "monster truck" here. So fully packed with the luggage, I started looking for a bathroom. Of course, in order to go to the bathroom I had to pay 10 crowns! Ain't that cute? But it's WRONG! Ok, so let's recap what's happening here : I have a wallet with 200 pounds, my mouth screams for water in, my bladder screams for water out and my belly doesn't scream anymore and that's strange cause it means that I will soon die! Not really. No. I won't die. But I might, because my belly is to quiet. Anyway, my point is that I have money in my wallet, but not the right kind of money. In the middle of the hallway I start laughing of my situation. What else can I do? Go from here to the train station. That is definitely a good idea. After asking the security guy of it's location I went for it. Cause there I have to find an Exchange Point. No? Well, the faith reserved me a bank on my way to the train station. And not just a bank, but a bank that has in it's vicinity a wall with plug. Iei. I am saved.
Of course the bank will open in a couple of hours, after my first train to Stavanger, but it still is a good think that i found it. I put my phone in the plug, I put my laptop in the plug and I am much happier than at the beginning of the day. When I saw people arrive at the bank I immediately started floating to the exchange point and after changing the money I ran (even if I had my luggage I was able to run!! I think thirst and hunger can give u supernatural powers) to a shop and I bought a large bottle of water. I drank like it was my last day on Earth.
Of course, my next trip was to the bathroom (after buying the ticket to Stavanger, cause I didn't want to miss it) and there I had to put coins into a machine. It was the same system as in the metro station. But for the bathrooms. So i took a coin, put it in the machine and ... nothing cause the coin slipped outside. I picked up the coin, looked at the machine again and put it again. Nothing. Maybe i just have to put it through. I pushed the things that were standing between me and the bathroom door without any luck. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I heard an inside voice. My bladder was going crazy! Shhh. Like in cartoons i picked the coin and put it again. And picked it again and put it again. Until a door opened. Angels started singing and the light coming from that door was heavenly! A guy from the security... Security for the bathroom ?!?!?! That's a new one. So, a guy from the security of the bathroom came outside, took my coin, put it in the machine and opened the door. Of course the place where I should have put the coin was elsewhere then where I was trying to put it. Anyway I had a victory a few seconds later. And another one before I went in the train. Happy me!
"I wanted to write something about you. I won't. I'll write about the green, green trees, blue, blue sky and red, red lips. Here's a new place without you and me. Nothings screams your name, nothing has your face and nothing makes me think about who I was. The room has a new, fresh smell and my eyes see every morning a new light. The tears I dropped once won't hunt me, because here, the floor didn't felt the weight of my tears, the walls didn't saw the shadows of my despair.
I try to remember why I laughed so much when we were as one. Instead I remember your hands and your touch, your skin. I see my face in the mirror. My smile isn't the same. You took my naive smile and you left me this ironic half of smile. I see the last moment we had. I was looking at you. You were staring at your shoes. I don't remember who was the first the leave.
You know what's the funny thing? I never wanted something bad for you. Even when you ripped my heart out. I always hoped that you will be happy. I still hope that you will find what you are searching for.
Damn. I said I will talk about the trees, sky and lips. Well, the trees are green, the sky is blue and the lips... The lips are as red as you know them..."
He read the letter again and again. When he finally stopped reading the words, he knew that he will never forgive himself. Now it was too late. He picked up the other letter he threw on the floor and with tears in his eyes he read the last sentence "I don't know is she would have wanted you to read it. Maybe if that car wouldn't have taken her life, the letter would still have been in a drawer....". He saw a drop on the paper, and then another one, and then another one. He raised his head and closed his eyes. Now the drops of rain were melting with his tears. He heard a voice screaming, but realized that it was his own. Now he was whispering like a mad man. One whisper that won't bring her back. "You left me staring at my shoes..."
The first thing i notice about Oslo (i mean about the train station from Oslo) is that, on Friday night, here are a lot of young drunk people. And when i say drunk, i don't mean sweet drunk, laugh drunk or sad drunk, i mean drunk like shit, that aren't able to sit on a bench. Or to keep their legs one next to the other. How do I know that? In one corner of the station where i was the security guys tried to "resuscitate" the guy who felt on the floor and in the other corner there were two drunk girls, with short dresses. And long legs. And black panties (i don't know that by choice!). To tell you the truth it didn't really bother me that much. As long as they mind their own business, they can do whatever they want.
I was a little scared about this night, because on our way to Oslo (from Sweden) everybody asked me what am I doing in Oslo and if there isn't someone waiting for me.
I was very confident when i answered "Of course not! I will try to find a hotel. I searched one that is near town and I'll start looking for it when I arrive there".
What was the reaction? "Are you sure you want to do that? Oslo is a dangerous city! A lot of drug addicts run around the train station" (that was a lady standing next to me)
"I shouldn't keep that little purse there, cause it will be the first thing that they will steal!"
"I don't mean to scare you, but you should be really careful, cause it's a very dangerous place to be, especially during the night."
I think my face started to change radically because i heard someone saying "Hey, it's not that bad. You look like them and they don't usually steal or harm someone of their own nationality"
Great. My only protection was the fact that I looked like a Norwegian! That, and knowing that no one could run with my monster luggage. Well, if i ever thought to leave the train station at the beginning of my trip, now i'm sure that as soon as the bus stops in the station, I will tie myself and my luggage to a chair and won't untie anything until the sun will be way up in the sky!
"No, seriously.. You will be fine! You don't only look like a norwegian, you talk like one too" i heard the same guy. (Was he telling me in a nice way that i talked all the time and i laughed and made fun of everything?)
"Come on guys" the lady from the front seat told everybody "is enough that she has to spend one night alone in Oslo! Now she has to spend one night alone and scared in Oslo? Girl, listen to me! Nothing will happen to you if you stay in the light (nice way to cheer me up!) and when the day comes you will see that the city is actually really nice!"
As I started telling myself earlier, the first thing i noticed was that there's a lot of drunk guys, the second was that nobody really cared. The third one was that everybody thought that I was from there!! They came and asked something (of course i didn't understood any word!), and after my surprised look and nice english answer they went to find the correct answer in some other part of the station.
Now, being here, it doesn't look so bad. I mean i'm not afraid to stay here. Back home i would have pissed a few times just at the thought that i have to spend more that one hour in the train station. And don't let me start with the fear i would have felt anytime a shadow would have appeared somewhere near me! Definitely this is far from being a frightening place.
The security men took the drunk guy outside. The girls left. The train station is almost empty. I search for a quiet corner and after i arrange all my bags I take out my "Lost Symbol" and start reading. And soon... i fall into a dreamless sleep.
I opened my eyes and i realized that I'm not in Kansas anymore. The guys left to find their loved ones and for the first time since my trip, I am all alone surrounded by foreign strangers. I looked at my luggage and i remembered my mom saying "Cata, are you sure you will manage with carrying this monster?". My stubbornness answered very cocky "Of course, mom! How hard can it be? I'll smile until someone helps me".
Now, looking around in the Oslo train station's waiting room, I am thinking that the only person i could smile to is to drunk to carry himself, nevermind my luggage! It's 3am and even if there is a lot of rumor, it feels like i'm in a empty room, cause all the people enter through one door just to get out on the other.
My stomach sings like an opera lead singer (I had to throw my food this morning, so Today i ate only one sandwich and some waffles), but since i don't have any crowns i can't buy anything. Who would have guessed that i have so many useless money in my wallet? Ok, useless for the moment. And I'm so thirsty.
I feel my eyes very heavy and i guess that the two bus days that passed are starting to count. I put the baggage close to various parts of my body (leave the dirty thinking! I mean close to my back, or my foot or even my hand!). I think that this behavior shows how much of a romanian I still am! Filip knows very well what I am talking about, cause he slept into a train and when he waked up he discovered that he lost even the jacket that covered his body! I don't want to lose my monster pack after fighting with it for so many countries (to tell the you the truth, i just carried it for 5 min from the bus until this bench, but it was a true fight!). Anyway the point is that I was very tired. I put my hand on the "monster" and my head on my hand. I tried to lie to my body that the hard wood underneath my ass is actually a very comfortable mattress, the hand underneath my head is a big pillow (if only it would have been so big) and the hunched back position is actually the best that I could find. I almost fooled myself when a big noise pulled me from my mirage and brought me back in the train station. The drunk guy felt from the bench on the floor.Great!
Ma uit la feribotul ce a acostat la mal si nu stiu ce simt. Imi este frica intr-un fel, pentru ca nu am mers niciodata cu ceva atat de mare pe apa. Barca, pluta, colac, merge, dar ditamai Titanicul, nu!! Sunt entuziasmata in orice caz. Baietii imi spun ca ar trebui sa stau linistita deoarece nici nu o sa imi dau seama ca sunt pe apa. Nu ii cred decat pe jumatate. Cand autobuzul incepe sa inainteze catre feribot inima imi tresalta de bucurie si incep sa topai ca un copil "Dumnezeuleeee!! Ce taaareee!!! Vedeti ce mare e? Vedeti?" le spun celorlalti, de parca eu as fi vocea ratiunii, iar ei ar fi orbi.
Ciudat, cand se opreste motorul si cand in sfarsit coboram din autobuz, ma simt ca intr-o parcare subterana, nicicum pe apa. Ma asteptam sa simt miscare barcii pe apa si eventual sa caut prima toaleta pentru a putea voma linistita in ea. Chiar imi imaginam cum imi voi blestema zilele cu capul pe un "veceu", albastra la fata si cu o greata intensa la fiecare miscare a apei. Cand colo, nu simt nimic. A stai, nu am plecat inca. Urcam spre partea superioara si constientizez ca feribotul nu este decat un mare mall pe apa. Incepem sa umblam dintr-o parte in alta a feribotului pentru a cauta o priza (recunosc, ne si holbam la produsele de prin magazine si ne minunam de preturi). Eu si Marius avem foarte mare nevoie de o priza deoarece telefoanele ne-au lasat la greu. Cel putin al meu e "mort" de ceva ore. Am intrat prin magazine, am verificat marfa si cand am privit spre geam, surpriza : mergeam pe apa!! Am alergat in graba pe punte si am inceput sa fac poze. Am deja zambetul tamp pe buze si multe cuvinte in cap. Cred ca arat ca un copil ce vede pentru prima oara o maimuta sau ceva de genu!
Ce este foarte surprinzator, oamenii nu au nici cea mai mica grija cand vine vorba de a-si gasi un loc. Unii si-au pus rucsacul pe jos, capul pe rucsac si au incercat sa doarma. Desigur si noi le-am urmat exemplul (nu, nu am dormit unii pe altii!) si ne-am asezat undeva langa scari. Care a fost primul lucru pe care l-am facut pe apa? Ei bine, dragii mei prieteni, am baut o bere!! Baietii au cumparat un 24 pack de bere si l-au impartit cu noi (oare suna mai bine daca spun mine? avand in vedere ca tot spun baietii si ca eu sunt singura fata cred ca ar fi fost la fel de corect sa spun ca am impartit berile intre noi. Hmmm). Ce sa mai, ca la scoala.
Din cand in cand ma mai uit spre geam si inca nu-mi vine sa cred ca beau un Tuborg pe drumul meu spre Norvegia, pe un feribot ce ma duce din Germania spre Danemarca, inconjurata de niste oameni pe care pana ieri nu ii cunosteam. Si ce bine e!
Nici nu imi dau seama cand suna "clopotelul" ce ne indeamna sa ne indreptam catre mijloacele noastre de transport. Urmatoarea tara : Danemarca! Ma asez pe scaunul meu si gandurile negre incep sa imi dea tarcoale. Nu am simtit ca am parasit tara. Parca m-as afla pe drumul care duce spre Brasov de 2 zile. Si totusi nu ma duc spre Brasov, ma duc in Norvegia.. Ce o sa ma fac odata ajunsa in Oslo? La 1 jumate noap... nu apuc sa imi duc la bun sfarsit gandul ca observ vamesii cum fac semne autobuzului sa mearga catre garajul loc. Ca si la punctul de control din Germania ma simt de parca as avea ceva de ascuns! De fapt nu este decat o mare teama la gandul ca poate va trebui sa imi deschid bagajul monstru si atunci chiar ca am incurcat-o! Nu pentru ca as avea cine stie ce ilegalitati, ci pentru ca a fost nevoie de mine si de mama sa stam pe bagaj si de tata sa traga de fermoar pentru a-l putea inchide! Se aude in microfon vocea soferului care ne anunta ca va trebui sa ne dam jos din autobuz. Inima incepe sa imi bata cu putere si incep sa imi imaginez situatii in care raman in Danemarca avand doar 20 de euro in portofel. In afara autobuzului un vames inchide usa garajului, iar alti 2 au langa ei caini lupi. Parca as fi adormit si m-as fi trezit intr-un film de groaza. Se aude doar sunetul usii care se inchide. Asta e momentul in care ne impusca pe toti!
Dar nu, nu ne-au impuscat. Au verificat cu ajutorul cainilor autobuzul si apoi ne-au lasat sa plecam. Si uite asa m-am regasit in Danemarca...
Ma misc usor si realizez ca nu sunt in patul meu. Incerc sa imi intind picioarele, insa nemilosul scaun din fata este mult prea apropiat si reusesc decat sa imi lovesc genunchii. As vrea sa ma intorc, insa mi-e frica sa imi parasesc pozitia care m-a purtat pe meleagurile viselor. Nu am avut nici un vis, dar suna atat de poetic fraza de mai sus. Imi fac curaj si ma intorc. Mare greseala. Sunt toata transpirata, de parca in loc sa dorm as fi alergat toata noaptea. E foarte cald. Mai ales aici in spate unde zici ca autobuzul are reactoare, nu motor. Din fericire ma trezesc la timp pentru popas. A trecut o zi de cand nu m-am spalat pe dinti sau pe corp si ma simt groaznic. Nu este cea mai buna dimineata. Cobor din autobuz si ma indrept spre baie. Ca intotdeauna este plin, asa ca trebuie sa astept putin afara. Oare unde suntem? Baietii sunt afara si fumeaza o tigara. Nu sunt la fel de veseli ca ieri, insa cu siguranta e de vina dimineata. Mai incerc o data la baie si descopar o tanti cu pasta de dinti. Fara sa stau pe ganduri ma indrept spre ea si o intreb cat pot de politicos (cum ar zice Elena "cu ochi de caprioara") daca nu imi poate da niste pasta de dinti. Alerg dupa periuta (am avut noroc sa-mi pun periuta in ghiozdan, CELE 2 PASTE DE DINTI PE CARE LE AM sunt in bagajul mare pe care nu il pot deschide!!) si ma comport ca dupa rascoala, spal dintii de vreo 10 ori!!
Ies afara si observ soferii care ne ofera foarte amiabili cate o cafea. Ma uit la Marius amuzata si il intreb daca acum e fericit. "Nu chiar" imi raspunde si apoi incepem sa radem. In pliant ni se ofera cafea pe toata durata calatoriei, in realitate se ofera cafea in dimineata asta si doar 1 cafea. Nu conteaza.
Incepem iar calatoria. Se vede ca suntem obositi, deoarece nu cred ca exista cineva care a avut parte de un somn odihnitor (desi ca timp, eu am bifat 8 ore in cap). Tragem un pic de conversatii, radem mai fortat, dar inca nu am scapat de sentimentul ca suntem intr-o excursie prin Europa. Uneori ma mai opresc din vorbit si ma uit pe geam. Incerc sa scap de gandurile negre pe care le am. Nu vreau sa constientizez ca am parasit tara, ca ma asteapta un drum lung cu un bagaj mare, ca o sa ajung intr-o tara in care nu o sa stiu limba si in care nu o sa mai pot suna pe cineva pentru a cere o mana de ajutor. Imaginile ce se perinda prin geam nu aduc a alta tara, aduc a Romania mai verde.
Marius ma bate pe umar si incepe sa imi povesteasca alta patanie de'a lui. Daca ar stii ce bine imi face dezinvoltura cu care trateaza calatoria. Panica din microbuzul de Targoviste-Sebes s-a evaporat instant dupa ce l-am cunoscut.
Memorez tarile prin care am trecut : Ucraina, Slovacia, Cehia.. si acum Germania. Eu, care nu am iesit niciodata din tara am deja in palmares 4 tari. OK, nu am vizitat nici o tara, dar am trecut prin ele! Ar trebui sa conteze si asta :P
Si uite ca am ajuns si in Germania. Oprim in port si asteptam feribotul. Prima calatorie cu feribotul!!
"Mergi cumva spre Oslo?" il intreb plina de speranta pe tipul din spatele meu.
"Stokholm" imi raspunde el.
Ma intorc la locul meu destul de dezamagita. Dar din spate aud o intrebare. Marius se uita la mine si parea ca vrea sa inceapa o conversatie. Ii raspund. Si apoi imi pune alta intrebare, si apoi incepe sa imi povesteasca aventurile pe care le-a avut in autobuz, fiind prima calatorie in afara fara familia lui. Fara sa imi dau seama, ajungem in Timisoara. Nu am simtit cum a mers masina, nu am mai vazut scaunele urate, nu am mai simtit caldura la fel de tare. L-am auzit pe Marius cum a povestit despre copii lui, despre sotia lui, despre patanii din copilarie. I-am mai povestit si eu cate ceva. Ne-am ras.
La un popas, inainte de a ajunge in Sebes, Marius s-a dat jos din autocar pentru a fuma o tigara. Cum statea el de vorba linistit, a vrut sa isi verifice telefonul, insa nu l-a gasit. Linistit, a urcat in autobuz si s-a indreptat spre locurile din spate, unde era sigur ca i-a scapat din buzunar. Insa surpriza, cand a ajuns acolo, telefonul era de negasit. Panicat, s-a dus la soferul care dormise in spatele lui, pe scaunele din spate, si l-a intrebat de telefon. Acesta a ridicat din umeri si i-a dat telefonul personal "Incearca sa vezi daca iti raspunde cineva. Eu ma duc pana la toaleta ca nu mai pot!". Marius, stiind ca e telefonul soferului, l-a urmat indeaproape formand in acelasi timp numarul lui de telefon. Soferul mergea grabit si Marius dupa el. Se uita la telefon pentru a vedea daca s-a format si deodata, de langa el se aude soneria telefonului pierdut. Soferul se opreste in loc. Marius se uita la sofer. Soferul se uita spre buzunarul pantalonilor lui, Marius la fel. Soferul scoate telefonul din buzunar si ii spune lui Marius ca l-a luat din greseala de pe jos, dupa ce l-a confundat cu telefonul lui. Marius, stupefiat ia telefonul si nu stie ce sa faca. Macar si-a recuperat telefonul, nu?
Vlad, saracutul, nu a fost asa de norocos. In Sebes (exact la popasul la care m-am urcat eu in autobuz), un nene l-a rugat sa ii arate 50 de euro ("ca nu stiu cum arata"), iar Vlad, baiat bun, a scos banii sa ii arate. Tipul a bagat mana in portofel si i-a sparlit banii. Ca sa vedeti de ce sunt in stare romanii!!
Si totusi, in Timisoara, a trebuit sa ne restrangem pe cateva locuri. Din fericire, am reusit sa ma asez in spatele autocarului, pe ultimele scaune. A fost genial!!
Trebuia sa primim din partea casei cafea, iar Marius tot drumul a apasat pe butonul rosu zicand destul de tare "Cafeaaaa!". Apoi mai statea putin, iar apasa pe butonul rosu "Cafeaaaa!". Apoi ne mai uitam la Vlad si il mai intrebam daca are sa ne arate vreo hartie de 50 de euro, ca nu stim cum arata. Pe mine nu ma auzea. Din fericire!!! Apoi mai venea soferul cu pricina si Marius incepa sa il strige usor, ca intr-un cantec "Hotuleee". Nu stiu daca soferul rosea de la caldura sau de rusine. Nici nu cred ca o sa aflu vreodata.
Fara sa ne dam seama, s-a facut indeajuns de tarziu. Am adormit rapid, dupa ce Marius mi-a cedat locul de la geam. Multumesc!!
Din pacate sau din fericire, nu am trecut prin oras, si tot ce am putut sa vad au fost copacii ( Dragi mei colegi, imi puteti spune ce specimene sunt? :D :)) )
Am stat aseara cu fetele pana tarziu. Nu ar fi trebuit, dar m-am gandit ca 2 zile o sa tot dorm pe autobuz. Cine si-ar fi inchipui ca o sa ajung cu autobuzul in Norvegia?
Nu am prea reusit sa ma odihnesc aseara. M-am tot trezit sa imi verific telefonul. Ba cat e ceasul, ba daca m-a cautat cineva. Poate reusesc sa gasesc un motiv pentru care sa termin calatoria inainte de a o incepe. Stiu ca am zis la toata lumea, dar nu prea cred ca intelege nimeni. MI-E FRICA! Daca ar veni cineva sa imi spuna ceva care m-ar face sa nu mai plec, as urla la el o ora, doar de vazul lumii, ca apoi sa-l pup si sa-l imbratisez cat pot de strans. Dar acum e prea tarziu.
M-a trezit tata de dimineata si am inceput sa imi arunc chestii prin geamantan. E imens. Daca ma strofoc un pic, pot calatori direct in el. Reusim sa il inchidem cu greu, dupa ce si eu si mama ne asezam pe el, iar tata trage cu toata puterea de fermoar. Il ridic cu greu si refuz sa ma gandesc la ce voi face cand voi fi singura.
Suntem in taxi, iar eu ma uit la toate cladirile pe langa care trecem. O dau in dramatisme, dar chiar zici ca ma duc la taiere. Daca mi se intampla ceva si nu imi mai aduc aminte cum arata casa mea?
Tocmai s-au inchis usile dubitei. Ma uit la tata care imi face semne cu mana si fara sa imi dau seama lacrimile incep sa imi curga pe obraji. Scancesc ca un caine ranit, ii zambesc si imi intorc privirea. Nu as vrea sa isi aduca aminte de mine plangand toata. Drumul va fi lung si ma intreb ce o sa fac atatea zile.
Imi spusese tata ca o sa ma sui in autobuz la Sibiu si ma bucur ca scap de inghesuiala din masina. Cand ma urc in autobuz aflu ca trebuie sa il schimb in Sebes. Nu conteaza. Macar m-au ajutat cu bagajul.
Ma urc in ceea ce pare a fi autobuzul meu pana in Oslo. De la aerul conditionat din primul autocar, de la mirosul de parfum, de la curatenia de pe scaune, intru intr-un autocar ce seamana extrem de mult cu cel de Targoviste. Soferul imi spune ca locul meu este in spatele autobuzului si ma indrept tematoare acolo. 2 baieti se afla pe ultimele locuri, iar locul meu este langa o doamna. Avand in vedere ca autobuzul nu este ocupat in intregime, ma decid sa ma asez pe locurile libere.
Dupa drumul lung pe care l-am avut pana in Sibiu, neputand comunica cu nimeni timp de 6 ore, mi se urca un pitic in cap si ma intorc la persoana din spatele meu. „Mergi cumva spre Oslo?” il intreb pe tip plina de speranta.
Ma uit la verdele crud al copacilor pe langa care trece autobuzul. Iar mi se umplu ochii de lacrimi si razand plang. Cat de idioata trebuie sa fiu pentru cei din jurul meu. "Fato, nu esti nici prima, nici ultima care pleaca din tara!" Da, nu sunt, dar e prima oara cand plec eu din tara! La naiba, daca mi-as fi luat servetele. Dar cine se astepta sa bocesc? Astea nu sunt lacrimi de tristete. Sunt lacrimi de fericire, amestecate cu lacrimi de teama si lacrimi de dor, lacrimi de ce o sa imi lipseasca (chiar si pentru 4 luni de zile, pentru cei ce cobesc!) si lacrimi pentru toti cei cu care o sa mai vb pe mess si atat!
Sunt aceleasi lacrimi pe care le-am avut in anul 1, cand ma uitam spre Andreea prin geamul autobuzului. Totul a fost un ras si promisiuni de revederi din 2 in 2 saptamani, vizite in Brasov; totul a fost ok, pana am ajuns in cadrul geamului. Cand a ridicat mana sa imi ureze ramas bun, a oprit-o in aer si a inceput sa planga in hohote. S-a rupt ceva in mine, am dus mana la geam si mangaind geamul am inceput sa plang la randul meu. Vazandu-mi fata si realizand ca probabil exageram, Andreea a inceput sa rada printre lacrimi. Si eu. Plangeam razand. Sau radeam plangand.
Aceleasi emotii le traiesc si acum, numai ca mult mai intens. Nu o sa ma mai duc la Monica, intr-un loc in care toata lumea vorbeste romana, nu o sa mai stiu din amintiri locuri in care am fost cu ai mei. Nu o sa il mai sun pe unchiu' sa il intreb unde este strada pe care locuiesc, in timp ce eu sunt la 10 m de locul in care ar fi trebuit sa cotesc. Nu o sa ma mai ia sor'mea de mana pentru a ma duce in sala de clasa si a urla "Hei, ea e Cata!!!", lasandu-ma sa luminez sala cu roseata mea. Nu o sa mai vorbesc cu orele la telefon, sunandu-mi Bibiancele, Anele, Oanele si toti prietenii pana ce ajung acasa.
Iar mi se umplu ochii de lacrimi. Idioata ce sunt! O vad pe Oana in statie si ma inmoi toata! Am un gol mare in stomac. Mai mare ca niciodata! Iti multumesc! Va multumesc!
Probabil urmatoarea postare (daca nu cumva ma hotaresc sa va scriu si maine) va fi scrisa din alta locatie si va avea ca subiect Stavanger. Sa speram ca vor fi si poze. Urati-mi noroc si un drum bun pentru ca Joi incepe aventura!
Nu v-am spus ... dar in curand voi avea parte de o aventura! Se numeste Norvegia si va incepe joi!
Nu despre asta vreau sa va vorbesc, inca... ci despre ce simt. Nu, nu va voi umple de replici siropoase. Ci ganduri ... Atat.
Am venit la laptop sa vad daca mi-a scris cineva. Din obisnuinta am deschis si Hotmail-ul. 16 mailuri. Pff. Se vede ca m-am inscris pe inca un grup de pe Facebook, deoarece iar mi se umple mailul cu cine stie ce porcarii. Le selectez pe toate si inainte sa dau Delete observ un mail de la UiS. Ma uit la subiect si cu litere mari scrie "Letter of Admission at University of Stavanger". Mana incepe sa imi tremure pe buton si inima imi bate de parca ar vrea sa iasa la soare. Inchid ochii si incerc sa ma linistesc. Imi spun in gand "1,2,3,4,5" si tot asa pana la 10, fara a avea succes. Deschid ochii si ma mai uit o data la mail. Imi este frica sa il deschid, deoarece nu inteleg cum as putea avea un asemenea noroc. Daca este o greseala? Revad lunga saptamana ce a trecut, in care am asteptat acest mail. Cate ore am stat in fata monitorului si am intrat intr-una pe mail. Imi pierdusem speranta, iar acum...
Trebuie sa primesc contractul. Am spus la ceva lume ca o sa plec, iar acum imi pare rau. Daca o sa fie probleme? Eu am dat cu gura in stanga si in dreapta, si parca vad ca o sa fiu nevoita sa ma plimb cu o cutie de pamant langa mine. Sa am unde sa imi ascund capul. Ca strutii!! Stiu ca nu ar fi trebuit sa spun, insa luna trecuta cand am citit scrisoarea de admitere, am sunat toti prietenii sa le spun ca plec. Apoi am si postat pe Facebook. Damn! Cred ca probleme am sigur!!! La cap! Nu stiu sa mai fi fost atat de entuziasmata de ceva. Iar entuziasmul, la care am adaugat sperantele si emotiile, mi-au provocat nebunie temporara ce s-a soldat cu titlul de ziar local "PLEC IN NORVEGIA!!".
"Domnisoara Vasile, e gata" o aud pe d-na secretara si in mana ei se afla contractul. Imi pare ca se misca foarte incet, de parca ar vrea sa fie capturata intr-o secventa slow motion, iar contractul pare inconjurat de o lumina divina. Totul depinde de el!
Tata ma suna sa imi spuna ca merge spre agentie sa cumpere biletul. Acum este sigur ca plec. Emotiile ce au stat ascunse pana acum incep sa se strecoare printre ganduri si prin corp. Ca mici impulsuri electrice, isi fac loc in fiecare muschi. Mai devreme, cand am vorbit cu Honey, nu am lasat-o sa termine ce avea de spus deoarece ma propulsam cu doua saptamani in timp si ma vedeam in Norvegia asteptand trenul si neputand sa o sun pe ea. Sau in statie. Sau in drum spre vreun loc. Nu o sa o mai sun pe ea. Si nici ea pe mine. Ca o sa coste al dracu de scump. Nu am lasat-o sa termine si am intrebat-o ce o sa ma fac fara ea. De dimineata o auzeam pe Iris cum se pregatea de munca si pe Vali cum ii spunea ca e ok. Nu am stat cu ei. Nu i-am auzit niciodata asa. Dar o sa stau si maine dimineata sa ii ascult. Chit ca apoi o sa adorm. Oana... mica Oana. Si Ana. Si mama. Si tata... Ufff! Suna iar telefonul si imi intrerupe sirul de oameni pe care vreau sa ii vad cu ochii mintii. E tata ce imi cere numarul de pasaport. I-l dau si imi inchide rapid, deoarece mai are de vorbit cu agentul. Trag o gura de aer si ma imbarbatez. Hei! Nu ma duc la taiere, ci in Norvegia!!!
Acum. E seara si e liniste. Plec pentru cateva luni, sper ca poate mai mult, insa sunt sigura ca o sa ma gandesc la voi toti! Nu sunt nici prima care pleaca, nu o sa fiu nici ultima, insa e prima oara cand ies din tara, si fie-mi cu iertare, dar am niste emotii imense!
Stau chircita si ma uit cu frica la umbra ce se apropie de patul meu. Simt lacrimi ce mi se preling pe obraz si incerc din rasputeri sa nu respir, pentru a nu-i atrage atentia. O mana imi lipeste cu putere ceafa de perete si o alta imi imobilizeaza mainile. Daca as fi fost intr-un film, probabil as fi putut ridica un picior, i-as fi bagat mainile in ochi, as fi putut face ceva sa scap din stransoarea lui, insa realitatea este cruda, iar singura miscare pe care o pot face este de fapt un tremur continuu ce nu pare sa il afecteze cu nimic. Incerc sa ii vad trasaturile fetei, insa intunericul il ascunde foarte bine. Parca ar fi un portret obscur de'al lui Picasso. Chip distorsionat ce pare a fi un barbat. Poate panica se dovedeste a fi dusmanul meu desavarsit, avand in vedere ca daca mi-ar da drumul as ramane in aceasi pozitie in care m-a lasat. As vrea sa stau cu ochii inchisi, insa inca mai sper ca o lumina il va trada si voi fi in stare sa il recunosc.
Pe neasteptate, se intoarce in directia opusa si o ia la fuga. Imi este frica sa ma misc, dar un mugure de speranta rasare in mintea mea. Rasuflu usurata si imi duc mainile la stomac pentru a incerca sa iau durerea de stomac. Asa patesc mereu cand traiesc vreo emotie puternica. Ceva cald incepe sa curga printre degetele lipite de burta si ma uit in sus pentru a vedea daca s-a spart vreo teava. Trec cateva secunde in care caut cu ardoare ceva care sa picure din tavan si apoi ma inmoi ca o carpa si cad usor pe mocheta. Iau mana ce este imbibata in acest lichid caldut si o pun in dreptul fetei. De parca ar fi fost un semn divin, de afara se iveste o lumina, cat pentru a putea vedea clar roseata in care imi este imbracata mana. Apoi iar intuneric.
Deschid ochii speriata. Sunt plina de sudoare. Primul gest pe care il fac este acela de a-mi pipai burta. Nu e nimic taiat. Realizez ca pe fata am lacrimi uscate, semn ca iar am plans in realitate din cauza unui vis.
Merg pe strada, tinand strans in maini cartea ce mi-a acaparat atentia de ceva vreme. Nu stiu cum as reactiona daca as afla ca am o boala incurabila. Sau ma rog, cu slabe sanse de supravietuire. Dupa fiecare pagina pe care o citesc, ma gandesc la miile de copii care trec prin asa ceva. Ajung sa traiasca o viata de spital, sa invete termeni de care multa lume nu a auzit si sa stie cum se administreaza medicamentele pe care le primesc. Dar nu, nu vreau sa mai am imaginea unui copil fara de par, cu trupul micut prins de cine stie ce aparat monstru.
Imi indrept privirile spre mediul in care ma aflu. Strada este plina de oameni care isi vad de drum mai repede sau mai incet. Oare ei la ce se gandesc? Fiecare are cate o problema de dimensiuni colosale... in viziunea lui. Si cine sunt ceilalti sa spuna ca nu este asa. Probabil tipul cel incruntat care merge apasat s-a despartit de iubita lui. La cat de adanca este cuta de pe frunte sunt sigura ca a fost inselat. Iar femeia ce isi duce cumparaturile ca pe o povara isi doreste sa ajunga la casa ei, pentru a se aseza pe un scaun si a sta linistita o secunda. M-am lecuit in a ajuta oameni ce cara pungi de cumparaturi. Ultima oara era sa fiu fugarita, deoarece o babuta a crezut ca vreau sa ii fur cumparaturile si mai ca incepuse sa urle "hoata" in mijlocul centrului. Ce frumos pare cuplul din fata. Probabil a fost dragoste la prima vedere in cazul lor! S-au vazut si au stiut ca isi apartin unul altuia. Se tin de mana si se uita cu drag unul la celalalt. Am vazut si cupluri care nu se potrivesc. Incerc sa ma gandesc de ce sunt impreuna. Poate pentru ca se cunosc de mici si sunt atat de obisnuiti unul cu celalalt, incat cel mai firesc pas este sa isi cladeasca viata impreuna. Sau poate destinul a hotarat ca trebuie sa incerce sa il puna pe el langa ea, pentru ca apoi sa ii dea ceva mai bun. Sau pe ea langa el, pentru ca apoi sa aiba o viata linistita in care nu o sa se gandeasca cu regret la ce a fost odata.
Un baietel mic, se opreste in dreptul meu, fortand-o pe bunica de a carei mana se tine sa se opreasca la randu-i, si se uita atent la mine. Ii zambesc, stiind ca desi nu ma descurc pe langa copii, acestia intotdeauna vor zambi cand imi vor vedea chipl destins. Asta se si intampla. Baietelul intinde o mana spre mine si rade. Imi scapa un chicotit si ma aplec pentru a-i prinde manuta, insa bunica il ia in brate si ii spune pe un ton ce se vrea a fi cat mai placut "hai sa nu o deranjam pe tanti".
Strang la piept cartea ce mi-a acaparat atentia de ceva vreme si ma uit la copilasul ce a si uitat ca m-a vazut vreodata, deoarece calutul rosu din vitrina este mult mai interesant. Oare va apuca sa isi traisca viata la maxim? Sa traiasca o poveste de iubire, chiar daca nu o va finaliza cu un altar, sa faca la randul lui o mica creatura, sa care de plase pline de cumparaturi, sa ajunga la batranete si sa se rasteasca la galagiosii din fata blocului? Ii doresc sa da! Dumnezeule ai grija sa da...
Ma uit cu nostalgie la pozele din copilarie si ma gandesc cu drag la momentele in care le-am facut.
Dintr-un cadru alb-negru imi zambeste cu gura pana la urechi Catalina ce am fost. Este mica si cu parul buclat, si toata un zambet. In urmatoarea poza, aceasi Catalina, imi arata fundul, in timp ce sta culcata pe o canapea si incearca sa isi atinga varfurile picioarelor, cu mainile, fara a le indoi. Chestie complicata dom'le, ce ii pare foarte interesanta fotografului. Sunt curioasa daca ar mai avea acelasi farmec sa repet figura la varsta asta. Sau daca m-ar poza cineva. Ba m-ar poza, dar nu ca sa puna poza in album, ci ca sa ma poata identifica personalul de la spitalul de nebuni. Hai mai bine sa trec de poza asta, ca iar imi aduc aminte de nunta la care cameramanul a facut un intreg moment din fundul meu! Chit ca eram mica si simpatica, 30 de min in care ii arat fundul cameramanului si apoi ma stramb la el sunt departe de a fi o amintire placuta peste ani si ani!
Acum, ma priveste din poza o Catalina mai maricica (si la propriu si la figurat). Sta langa o Catrinel mica si se uita cu pofta la sandwichurile intinse pe masa din bucatarie. Traditia noastra. La zilele de nastere, mama facea sandwichuri cu de toate si apoi le insira pe toate pe masa. Fiecare venea si se servea. Dar cata pofta vad in ochii mei. Zici ca mi-a incuiat mama frigiderul vreo cateva zile.
O shit! Am uitat de pozele astea. Pozele pe care nu le voi uita niciodata (daca sunteti extrem de cuminti, in cateva sute de ani o sa le postez pe aici).
Poza nr. 1 : Aniversarea de 14 ani. Abia ne cumparasem aparatul foto si tata incerca sa prinda toate momentele. Ma uit fericita la tortul mare, cu 14 lumanari aprinse. Arata apetisant si se vede din poza ca imi doresc din suflet sa imi pun o dorinta. Dorinta mea mare de atunci era sa se taie mai repede tortul. Acum ar fi sa il mananc singura! :)))
Poza nr. 2 : Aceasi aniversare. Numai ca acum, se vede o Catalina care sufla cu putere spre un tort ce pare ca isi ia zborul imediat. Nu stiu cum a reusit taica-miu sa prinda cadrul asta, dar imaginea iti sugereaza ca sunt pe cale sa provoc un taifun, nicicum sa sting lumanarile unui tort. Si asta pentru ca "efectele speciale" prinse in poze dau senzatia ca tortul va fi luat de vant! Vantul meu :))). A doua zi de la aparitia acestor poze, o prietena (Bianca, nici acum nu te-am uitat!!! :))) ) a avut bunavointa sa arate poza intregii parcari. Nu va pot spune de cate ori am trecut pe langa grupuri din parcare ce mimau "suflatul" meu spre tort.
"Si... mai spune-ne o data ce s-a intamplat!"
"Imi cautam micul dejun intr-un tomberon. De obicei nu sunt treaz la ora asta, insa aseara nu am reusit sa gasesc indeajuns de multa bautura. Sau stati, nu era tomberon. Chestia aia verde pe care o lasa oamenii la poarta... Cum se numeste oare?" isi duse mana la tampla si se uita incruntat inspre oglinda. "Nu mai stiu cum se numeste. In orice caz, e pe strada aceea, la casa de langa alimentara". Se opri din povestit pentru a se asigura ca a inteles toata lumea
"Asa, continua..."
"Dupa cum va spuneam. Imi cautam ceva de mancare, cand a aparut ea de dupa colt, imbracata cu fusta alba cu picatele rosii si cu o bluza mai deschisa la culoare, ce avea o inima rosie stralucitoare in dreptul sanilor. Avea un mers lin si un zambet cald pe buze. Nu stiu daca frumusetea poate fi descrisa intr-un anume fel, dar zambetul si increderea pe care o emana pareau sa o puna intr-o lumina aparte si sa ii dea o frumusete cum nu am mai vazut" Iar se opri din vorbit si golul spre care se uita parca se umpluse de o fusta alba cu picatele rosii si o inima rosie stralucitoare.
"Continua..."
"Da." ii scapa un oftat scurt "Asa. Desigur ca m-am uitat gura casca la ea. Ea m-a vazut, mi-a zambit si apoi si-a intors privirea spre telefonul la care tasta de zor. Cand a trecut pe langa mine, am simtit un parfum dulceag, dar nu din acela care te ineaca. Pentru ca sa va spun, sunt multe cucoane care se dau cu parfumuri d'alea de ma fac sa ma bucur ca locuiesc intr-o cutie la groapa de gunoi. Dar nu. Ea avea un parfum dulceag, ce te lua de barbie si te facea sa te plimbi dupa el, ca in desenele animate. Da. Ca in desenele animate." iar se opri.
"Deci iti placea de ea?"
"O! Da! Foarte mult! Nu numai faptul ca era atat de draguta la chip si la port, ci pentru ca nu s-a uitat la mine cu scarba."
"Si apoi, ce s-a intamplat?"
"Va spuneam ca avea un parfum foarte bun. A trecut pe langa mine. Eu, tineam in mana un cutit fara maner pe care il gasisem in tomberon. Stati. Nu in tomberon. In lucrul acela verde in care isi arunca oamenii gunoaiele si apoi le pun la poarta. Nu stiu cum se numeste. Dar ... Da, tineam un cutit fara maner in mana. Si ea era atat de frumoasa. Avea un zambet atat de cald. Si de la spate, i se misca fundul atat de frumos. Nu era nimic vulgar. Era frumos." se opri si isi balansa o mana de parca ar fi vrut sa transforme unduirea fundului intr-o melodie.
"Si apoi?"
"M-am grabit sa o ajung din urma. Am prins-o de brat si am intors-o cu fata de mine. Voiam sa ii spun ca este cea mai frumoasa femeie pe care am vazut-o. Dar ea, s-a smucit din mana mea si m-a intrebat nervoasa care este problema mea." se opri putin si incepu mai cu patos "Ba nu, nu era doar suparare sau nervi, era si frica! Ii era frica de mine!! Atunci i-am infipt cutitul in burta" si se opri. Putea vedea si acum momentul in care a scos cutitul din rana si cum pe bluza ei se forma o pata rosie aprinsa. Si inima de pe bluza atat de stralucitoare.
"Si apoi?"
"Si-a pus mainile in dreptul ranii si a ridicat ochii spre mine. Nu mai vedeam in ei linistea si increderea de mai devreme. Era doar frica. Si am mai infipt o data cutitul in burta. Si inca o data. Si inca o data. Nu voiam sa ii mai vad frica din ochi" in privirea lui aparu o stralucire pe care nu o vazusera pana atunci. Puteau vedea adrenalina ce iesea la suprafata cand vorbea de fapta pe care o savarsise.
"Si apoi?"
"Inca mai vedeam frica in ochii ei. Si vedeam cum straluceste inima aceea nenorocita! Si i-am bagat cutitul in inima." Tacu. Inca mai simtea sangele cald cu care isi udase obrazul si inca mai simtea cum se prelinge sangele de pe cutit. In sfarsit, nu mai putea vedea inima stralucitoare. Zambea .
"Si, in cele din urma, de ce ai omorat-o? Spuneai ca iti placea de ea. Spuneai ca ... era frumoasa"
"Eu ce sa ii fac? Daca ii era frica de mine? Trebuia sa ma lase sa ii spun ca e frumoasa. Trebuia sa imi zambeasca! Trebuia sa fie increzatoare! Cum am vazut-o!"
Sunt ca o pereche de pantofi cu toc inalt... Iti place sa ii ai si sa stie lumea ca ii ai, dar cand vine vorba sa ii porti, iti fac niste bataturi in talpa de toata frumusetea!
De ce am inceput asa postarea? Pentru ca datorita unor evenimente recente am ajuns la o intrebare existentiala cam penibila : Oare sunt cine vreau sa fiu? Si cand ma intreb asta, ma refer strict la personalitatea mea vulcanica si la relatiile pe care le-am cladit cu cei din jur. Adica, pana nu de mult aveam impresia ca toata lumea te place asa cum esti, sau cel putin daca nu te mai place, s-a obisnuit cu tine si stie ce ai sub straturile de suprafata. Fiecare ne schimbam in functie de situatiile prin care trecem. Corect? Si teoretic, si ceilalti evolueaza in continuu! D'aia suntem oameni, sa invatam din greselile noastre. Chit ca ne invatam prost si o dam in bara mai rau decat fara "invatatura". Ei bine, daca va distrug acest mit urban (cum ar zice prietenii nostrii de pe Discovery) imi ridicati o statuie? Sau poate mai multe statui, in toate resedintele de judet (de preferinta, si daca vreti sa va limitati doar la Ro)!
* In cazul in care nu intelegeti despre ce mit urban este vorba, vi-l subliniez, pentru a nu lasa loc de subintelesuri : "Lumea te place asa cum esti!"
Total gresit! Lumea nu te place deloc asa cum esti! Lumea te place atunci cand esti cum vor ei sa fii!
1. Cand esti sincer, poti fii sincer pana la momentul in care trebuie sa imbraci sinceritatea astfel incat sa nu raneasca pe cineva de langa tine. De la ton, la mimica, la gesturi, sinceritatea trebuie calculata si gandita mult inainte de a fi infatisata! Cica s-ar numi diplomatie! Daca nu ai diplomatie (si eu, ca tot vb de sinceritate, trebuie sa va spun ca atunci cand vine vb de prietenii mei, imi lipseste cu desavarsire aceasta calitate) o sa ai mult de munca pentru a lamuri persoanele cu care esti sincer ca nu le vrei raul! In concluzie, daca esti o om sincer incearca sa fii sincer si placut in acelasi timp. Adica in loc sa spui "Parca arati ca o mangusta fara par in rochia asta" trebuie sa spui "Nu te avantajeaza la solduri". Intelegeti voi ideea!
2. Cand esti ironic, ai grija care este subiectul ironiilor tale! Din experienta mea umila, va pot spune ca ironiile nu atrag decat priviri extrem de urate (sunt amunzante, dar foarte rele! foarte foarte rele!!). Mai ales atunci cand le folosesti pe post de arma. Mai ales cand indrepti arma spre prietenii tai! Asa ca.. in loc de ironiile care iti usuca limba, mai bine arunci cu flori. Eventual fara ghivece, ca alea lasa urme adanci. Sau prea colorate(urme prea colorate, gen vanatai!). Cand ti se pare ca esti incoltit, incearca sa raspunzi cum ar fi facut-o Iisus : intorcand si celalalt obraz! De ce? Pentru ca ti se pare! Niciodata, un prieten, nu va face misto de tine si nu te va incolti! NICIODATA!!
3. Cand te deranjeaza ceva foarte tare si o spui o data, de doua ori, de 10 ori, si observi ca nu te asculta nimeni... Las-o balta! Nu te mai repeta! Intelege ca nu te asculta nimeni. Nu din rautate, ci pentru ca nu le pasa. Hmmm. Ba le pasa, dar nu conteaza acel ceva care te deranjeaza! In schimb daca pe ei ii deranjeaza ceva, asculta si baga la cap, caci popa nu tine slujba de doua ori pentru o baba surda!
4. Cand te schimbi... Ce se intampla cand numai tu esti cel care se schimba? Aici as vrea sa fac o paranteza la satira in devenire si sa va intreb cat se poate de serios : Cum poti evita schimbarea?? As vrea sa ma amuz pe acest subiect, dar nu o pot face, insa sunt cat se poate de deschisa la sugestii!
5. Cand renunti la teatru si esti tu cel adevarat. Hai sa nu ne mai invartim atat dupa deget! Toti jucam teatru si ne place la nebunie sa purtam masti. Este una dintre cele mai vechi meserii pe care am mostenit-o de la stramosi! Sa ne prefacem si sa evitam sa ne descoperim cu totul. Dar ce te faci cand obosesti? Cand pur si simplu nu mai ai chef sa iti pui masca? Ce faci cand realizezi ca tu, cel de sub masca esti mai sensibil si te simti singur? Ei bine, iti tragi masca inapoi si zambesti ca si pana atunci. Deoarece daca ai zambetul pe fata totul trece mai usor! Sau cel putin asa am citit in Cosmo acu' vreun an. Sper ca a fost dat cineva afara dupa ce a aparut articolul ala, ca eu sincer zambesc al naibii de mult si pe cuvantul meu ca exceptand inducerea in eroare pe care o cauzez celorlalti nu trec mai usor de nimic!
6. Cand esti criticat din toate partile. Ei bine prietene, cand ai ajuns la situatia asta inseamna ca ai dat-o in bara rau de tot! Ai clar o problema (sau o multitudine de probleme) si trebuie sa o rezolvi rapid, ca de la critici la dos (dosul unui prieten care se indeparteaza usor, dar definitiv de tine) nu mai ramane decat un pas!!
Toate punctele de mai sus ar trebui sa sublinieze motivele pentru care lumea nu te place asa cum esti. Sau tu nu placi lumea asa cum este (hellooo, orice sabie are 2 taisuri!!).
As vrea sa nu cititi printre randuri, deoarece nu este nimic acolo! Tot ce scrie aici este un pamflet la adresa mea, deoarece eu indeplinesc toate cele 6 puncte de mai sus sau cataloghez dupa aceste 6 puncte. Daca mai gasiti motive pentru care nu va place lumea asa cum sunteti, motive la care nu m-am gandit, sunteti liberi sa completati postarea!
Si totusi nu uitati : Sunt ca o pereche de pantofi cu toc inalt... Iti place sa ii ai si sa stie lumea ca ii ai, dar cand vine vorba sa ii porti, iti fac niste bataturi in talpa de toata frumusetea!
