Pondering...

Do you believe in karma? The whole make one bad thing, receive worse bad thing back? Well, I really believe in karma. I mean the bad karma, at least. Each time I think about doing something bad, I reflect a bit about the consequences. Usually that stops me from actually doing the bad thing, so you should understand from this that I am a bad thinker :))). 

Anyway, besides karma (or maybe it's inside the "karma rules" hand-book, don't really know) I believe in receiving with one hand, and giving with the other. At every good you receive, at the next corner something bad awaits. This rule applies for my "love" life.

Let's imagine me in a normal night. Hanging out with my friends. Drinking, having fun. A guy, let's call him M, sits next to me and starts talking with me. After a quick look I apply the tag "not my type" and I ignore him. I think this is the moment when, in guys, the "Challenge accepted" plan is on. And probably in girls too. Definitely in girls too. M at seeing me uninterested of his person, starts paying attention at my conversation with the others. He finds a window in the conversation and he contradicts what I have to say. Who can refuse a debate? WHO?? (P.S : my friends know very well that I love debates. Especially when I know I'm right :p)

From a debate to a kiss it's not such a long distance ...Actually it's a very long distance, but somewhere in our talk I realized that the guy wasn't such a waste. But let's not focus on that..  So by the end of the night, with the help of a few beers, me and MR are walking in the park, kissing, holding hands, all the bullshit that u find in love stories. Happy Happy Joy Joy. 

The next morning, the guy calls me and he tells me that he had a really nice night, that he really wants to see me again, bla bla bla. We settle a meeting after I finish work. Being the karma believer that I am, I was waiting the entire day for a thunder to strike me. Or an earthquake to kill me. Or maybe a choke to death sequence. Something. But no, the day was really quiet. I didn't get fired. I wasn't hit by a car. I didn't fell on the stairs. I really had a normal day. 

But, karma had something nice planed for me... Oh, karma. She's not cruel with me, she's just a bitch! In the evening I was on my way to meet the guy. I was feeling tired, but at remembering the night that passed I was excited at the same time. Excited is a really soft word, cause I get beyond excited when something good happens. I mean I think about that good all day, all night. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything 100%. I think and over think and remember and over remember and I see the good thing until the karma slaps the hell out of me!

So now I just have to open the door to see him. He waits for me and I can see that he is a bit nervous. I take a deep breath and I go outside. He looks towards me. And the very next second I see at him the face "Damn, this is definitely NOT the top-model I was with last night". Or maybe it's called "Fuck you, beer!". Or "I will never drink again. EVER!". If you know it's name (the face's name, not my date's name!), feel free to share it! I'm sure you felt it or seen it at least once. Anyway, my excitement was flushed down the drain, and even if I was wrong regarding his reaction, without my excitement I had nothing to do with him. We had a boring night. With a boring conversation. With a boring good bye. So ... thank you karma! Or maybe thank you, my excitement. Or maybe, thank you brain. Either way, I'm hopeless!

Don't talk with your mouth full!

I was sure I didn't want to see him anymore. I usually don't want to see the person in front of which I make a fool out of myself. How many of you are nervous in the presence of someone they like? Well, I was eating and talking at the same time. I have to do that, because being quiet is not one of my strong skills. Not even when I'm eating. So I was telling something really funny. And I was so amused about what I was saying that I started laughing. Of course, I never saw the next thing coming. The food that was in my mouth went all over his face. "FUUUCK..."
Small bread crumbs were leaking slowly on his cheek and a piece of ham was stuck on his nose. I wasn't sure if I should be happy that I didn't chew enough the food. With my mouth still open I was staring at him and praying for God to open a hole under my feet. God didn't. I think I stopped breathing for a while. He looked at his plate for what seemed to be an eternity. Then, started laughing. I should have been happy. But inside of me something died. How the hell do I end up in this situations??
The next day, I was walking towards home thinking that I have to avoid seeing him just for a couple of centuries. Of course, while I was thinking at an ingenious "invisible for him" plan, God did one of his magic tricks and in front of me appeared the unavoidable. HIM! Damn! Damn!?!?!?! Why is this happening to me. I looked around for an open door, open window, hole, sand, mud ... something where I can throw myself in, at or against. Nothing . At seeing me he put the smile on his face. At seeing his reaction, I put the creepy, nervous, "I wish a bomb would explode in this second" smile. He stopped. I stopped.
"How are you" he asked with the sweetest voice.
"Hummmmgood..." while staring my shoes. I could almost see the signs that my food left on his face. WHYYY????
"Soo... I'll be seeing you around?"
"Hummm... mmmyes..."
"Not for dinner, that's for sure" and he started laughing.
My face went red as a lobster. For sure. No dinner, no lunch, breakfast, brunch, snack... not even drinking water. Nothing!! 

Skiing? Been there, done that!

It was a hard night. Not because I had something to do, but because my mind was refusing to turn off the light. I was too busy to think about today, about this and about him. Now I can't do anything about him, but I can do something about this. I refuse to be scared and I refuse to give up. I remember what Carlos told me last night and I hope that bending my knees and crossing my legs will do the charm. Here goes nothing.

I closed my eyes while I made the first slide. It wasn't a good idea, cause besides the fact that I felt all of my weight dragging me towards the snow, I couldn't see if I even moved. As I made contact with the ground I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. Unlike ice (in skating), snow is fluffy and puffy and doesn't hurt at all.

I started laughing as I was trying to get up. The boots where too heavy and the skies to long. How the hell does anyone lift themselves up? Someone helped me get up. I tried again. I felt again. And again. And again. It was terrible. Not the fact that I as falling all the time, but not being able to get up all by myself was getting on my nerves. Until the perfect moment when I put all my strength in my hands, I pushed and I got up. I felt again, I got up again... My fear was gone.

After a few hours of falling, I finally got the scheme. I bended my knees, I crossed a bit the legs, I went in diagonal and I put the weight on one leg to change the direction. Then I put the weight on the other leg. Then, at reaching the bottom of the hill, I stopped. On my feet. Not on my ass. I started cheering and I didn't care one bit that all of them were watching me. I bet they smiled too. For me. I went up again, I came down. Each slide gave me more power. I can do it. I can do anything!

At 2 am...

She is trying to keep her eyes closed, but the image in her head is hunting her. The crazy woman's face appears deformed and creepy. It is worse than she first saw her. The cuts on her inner lip, the childish voice, her black hair and her red eyes, were all she could see. She finally decides that the darkness of the room is less horrifying. She rounds the room, as too see if any shape that shouldn't be there made its entrance. It is safe. For now. What if someone would open the door now? She would probably die alone, from a scarce. Shameful! Again, the voice is talking in her head, and she is terrified with each passing moment. 

She tries to put in her head images of the people she loved. But unfortunately all of them are far away. She can't see their faces anymore and the images she barely remembers are transformed. The teeth are deformed, the eyes are loosing their color and red blood is filling them, the hair is either falling or raising. She can't take it anymore. Why are these images following her? 

She knows that tonight the nightmares will be back. At home they were there only twice a year. When she was stressed. Now she is alone. No one to wake her up in the middle of the night. Last week she woke up because she started screaming. She needs someone. She really needs someone. 

Flirting ...

As I was working hard for my project, in a small "mind break" (I take this kind of breaks every 10 minutes or so for 30 minutes :)))) ) I started thinking about my "flirting when I have some alcohol in the system" mode and I realized some bad, bad connection that my drunk neurons make. Even as I write, I blush!!!

So... imagine me kissing a guy. Enjoying very much the kissing. Actually stop talking with myself while kissing (you know, that thing girls do all the time : OVER THINKING!!). And suddenly a big flow of information popping in my head. 

"Wooow. This guy is really nice. I really think that he is one of the nicest guys I met. I mean, with my previous luck, nice guy has a pretty low scale in my mind, but this guy is really really nice. Not just now, all the time. I think. I suppose. I should tell him."

Kissing

" Uuuuu.. I love this song! LaaaLaaaLaaa.. "

Still kissing

"Oh wait. Where was I? Ah  ... nice guy, nice kissing! Nice guy. Sweet guy. Sweet like chocolate. I love chocolate. I would eat some chocolate, but not now. Cause he kisses really good! Seriously I should tell him that he is a really sweet guy! Sweet as chocolate!! I'm gonna tell him! Chocolate guy! HiHiHi"

So I stop kissing him, I stare into his eyes. A long stare where I tried to put all the emotion I felt. I bet that not being able to keep my eyes open and slightly shaking my head because of the lack of balance didn't help too much at the emotion part. Anyway, as I was looking into his eyes I realized that I really enjoy his presence. And he is a nice guy. Sweet as chocolate. What did I tell him?

"I could eat you all up! Not just your face! All of you! EAT YOU ALL UP!!"

Is it?

"I prefer young people" 

He doesn't realize the effect that the words have on me. We all will be in that place : old. As I was saying in a previous post, I believe in karma and having this attitude towards old people can't bring anything good.

It will probably be a time when I will stop people on the street to talk with them and I will try to share some of my wisdom (I hope that I will gather some until then)... I would like that instead of having a "She's the crazy old woman who talks with whoever listens" reaction, people would actually stop, smile and truly listen to what I have to say.

I would like to tell him the ancient line "Who doesn't have elder figures, should buy some" but I stop, because I know that the older person he is talking about isn't such a nice presence. Who am I to tell him that kindness comes from the heart and it should be for everybody.

I remember that not so many years ago I had a very bad reaction at my parents advices. How wrong was I... Instead of appreciating what they had to say, I was seeing myself as the person who knew best. I was just a teenager. Now I have my ears wide open to any words that my mom or my dad have for me. I try to listen first and act after. 

I know that probably some of you won't understand... but wisdom comes with age...

Future?

After hearing my sister saying the terrible words "Cata, don't you realize that this year I will turn 28!" I make a fast calculation in my mind, as sqrt(cos(x))*cos(200 x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01... to see what's my age and when I finally have my result I ... I am shocked! 

I will be 27 years old, this October. 27. It seemed like yesterday I had 20 years old and the whole world was at my feet. Now I am almost 27 and I can't see myself in 5 years. I mean I can see myself professionally speaking : still washing dishes!! (Let's hope I don't jinx my future, cause I would really hate to have as one of  my top stories : "Today was a good day.. Didn't break any glass!"... )

Now seriously talking, I am 26, going on 27 and no future plans. I think one of my common lines lately is "I will die alone and my dogs will eat me because nobody will call to see if i'm alright... and because nobody will find my body they will think that I eloped in some foreign country with a beautiful stranger... I eloped because I finally realized that being married isn't the worse thing that can happen to a couple... And they would be so wrong, cause I would be in the belly of my dogs... My 10 dogs... ". Why do I have this terrible thoughts? Cause I want to have many dogs :))). No, it's because I can't see myself being as committed as somebody should be in order to have a relationship. 

My sister starts laughing at seeing my concentrated face and she tells me in between the HaHaHas "You know you will die forever alone, don't you"

A tear almost bursts into the corner of my eye. The smallest violin of the world is finally playing for me... FUUUCK!

Are you straight?

"Are u straight?"

At hearing the question a mountain of thoughts popped into my mind. I never spoke with this guy, except the usual "Hi". And I know I don't look as my best in this environment, but let's face it, who would wear their good clothes or high heels at washing dishes? There's one situation in which I would do that and it implies a cute guy who's telling very good jokes near me! But in a 6 hour washing dishes job I swear I wouldn't get near my high heels. Or would I... Again it would be necessary a VERY good looking guy that has some top of the mountain jokes! I would come with my sexy blouse if ... Oh wait... I'm still staring at the guy and a voice delivers back into my head the "straight" question. Don't I look straight? I mean maybe that's THE answer of my failures in finding a guy. Maybe I don't look straight. But still, I think it should be pretty stupid for a guy to think that I'm "on the other side" and not try to do something something. Cause let's face it "three some" wouldn't be a big deal for someone who isn't straight. It's not such a big deal for straight people... Oh.. yes it is! Probably it's a big deal for gays too. But for bi. But he didn't ask me if I was bi... DAMN! I think he had enough of staring. 

"Hmmm... Usually I try to walk as straight as I can... "

I'm not sure if he's smiling at my answer or at me. I mean what can I answer??? 

"Why? Don't I look straight enough to you. Or did you mean to ask me if I'm straight in some other way?"

I raise one of my eyebrows waiting for an answer and I'm really curious if he wants to start a conversation in this area. I mean ... Seriously!! Don't I look straight???

"Hmm. It's written on your shirt. Streit-og-somethingsomething and I was wondering if you are STREIT". 

"......." (in my mind : FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK)