It wasn't the time...

She was looking challenging at him as she was waiting for his answer. If he would have known her better, he would have seen behind her cooky look the fright of the moment. She was acting like this in her most fearful situations. When she was small, even tough she was really afraid of the thunder, she hugged her brothers in the middle of the storm and told them she's there to protect them and if the thunder would come in the house she would kick its ass. She was terrified. Inside. But outside she had a kinky smile and a confident look. It always worked.

Now she was waiting for her thunder and there was no one around to protect her. Except him. As if she was having an almost death experience, she was in the middle of their first conversation, after that she saw her rejection towards him, a long pause and their first kiss, their first everything.  A frame who collected all the moment of her relationship. All ended up here. The longer she was waiting, the more convinced she was about the answer. It wouldn't take that long to say yes. It wouldn't take that long to take her hands and kiss her. All the seconds that passed meant only buts and reasons gathered for a denial. Who was she kidding.There aren't actually happy endings. Just respect and a fear of loneliness. Oh, that damn fear of being alone. It finally got to her.

She was sick of seeing happy couples, families with kids and love everywhere! When she went shopping there were at least three couples holding hands and giggling about stupid stuff. If only she would have liked the holding hands part. But even that got on her nerves. It was time to have something. It was time to stop fooling around and start something serious. 

"Do you want us to commit into a real relationship?" was the awful question that came out of her mouth 30 seconds ago. And since then he was quiet. He was looking into her eyes, but she knew that he was somewhere out of this world. She might have ruined everything for them. What was with that feeling of hers? Wasn't she happy with this situation? Why would she need something more? She doesn't want kids, she doesn't want to see him more or talk more then they already do. She actually doesn't want anything changed. But... She wants one simple answer. An unwritten promise for a better tomorrow. The assurance that they won't give up at their first fight. Or that they won't look around for other partners when things might get nasty.Or maybe this sort of approval would allow her to feel. Maybe she won't be afraid to love anymore.

"I can't now..." he started what surely would have been a long strain of empty words.

She raised her hand and put it to his mouth as she felt her heart splashing into pieces. She didn't need any reasons. She didn't want any reasons. Usually tears would have filled up her eyes, but somehow, she was empty. She gave him a hug and turned away. What was suppose to become the perfect beginning turned out to be a sour ending. It wasn't the time for her to love again. After a few steps tears finally came. It wasn't the time for her to love again. It wasn't.