Scared and damaged...

Women are complicated creatures!

Everybody knows that!

Let's face it, we all come with packages from our past, packages that makes us who we are. But we, we tend to become our packages. If somebody screwed us in the past, we start to see a threat in everyone that comes in the future. Since I can't generalize this to every women in the world, let me personalize the thread.

Like most of you, I had my share of drama, but somehow I tend to look for/find/end up surrounded by the same drama. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to life, I live as much as I can, but when it comes to relationships, men-women relationships, I have a thing for dead ends.  As soon as I see a jerk, my inside lids and I literally start drooling like a dog at the thought of something more.

What does this means? Simple. I don't know how to behave when it comes to dating. I am a mess. I stare at the damn phone all day long with the hope that it rings and he's the one that misses me. I know the rule that says that men have to make the first step, but I am not that kind of girl. The waiting part kills me slowly. I stare at the phone all day... until I pick it up, dial the unwanted number and act stupid (probably my dating age is around 10 years old, although these days I think even a 10 year old acts more responsible). My stupid act involves silly laughter, idiotic lines and a slight ironic conversation. And that's how it all starts. A bad start, of course! 

My longest relationship had 5 months, one good and 4 others like hell. I was afraid that it was my stability phobia, now I think it's only my damaged personality. What else could it be? 

A few days ago I read a post on FB where it said that we accept the love we think we deserve. And it's true. But having a poisoned love is better than having nothing. Knowing that once in a while someone needs the warmth of your body is enough to live in a fantasy world. And not having an actual story is better than having a story. When you lose something that wasn't yours in the first place doesn't hurt as much as loosing something that you care about with all your heart... no?

Besides the "not figuring out when its love and when its NOT love" I have another problem... damaged problem... I have no idea when to get involved. I mean, when do you know its time to hold hands? When is it time to walk home alone? When is it right to call at a dreadful hour in the night, without any reason whatsoever? When is it right to go out with him and your friends? When is it time to talk about your fears and hopes? When is it time to get involved???

If you have any answers, please feel free to enlighten me!!!!