Azi nu!

Trag cu sete din tigara pe care de maine nu o voi mai fuma si ma gandesc la nimicuri. Intotdeauna nimicuri. De ce a fost ziua asta atat de seaca, de ce am mancat portia aia de cartofi prajiti, de ce am pierdut timpul in fata unui serial care nu ma ajuta. Atatia "de ce" imi invadeaza creierul ca ceata lasata de fumul de tigara nu face decat sa atenueze sentimentul de mister. Mister si neputinta. 

Ieri munceam cu spor si dedicare, pana cand am realizat ca m-a cuprins un dor. Un dor de a-mi lua rucsacul in spate si a ma indrepta spre nicaieri. Sau spre tot. As vrea as inchid ochii si cu o harta in fata sa pun degetul pe locuri la care nici nu am visat. Sa plec. Unde am pus degetul acolo sa ma duc. La norocul meu cred ca tot Romania as prinde. Poate chiar acelasi oras si acelasi loc de munca. 

Citeam mai devreme un articol despre fluturi/molii in stomac. Ai naibii fluturi vin cand nu trebuie, ajung la picioare, dau la ligamente si apoi se duc in creier si fac ravagii. Sa ai fluturi la cap e mai grav decat atunci cand ii ai in stomac. O iei razna. Zbori de la un gand la altul de parca ai calatori cu un supersonic la munca. Cateva secunde te duc de la agonie la extaz. Pacat ca agonia e mai lunga. Si mai grea. Piticii sunt mai agreabili. Aia mai si glumesc.

Mi-e dor de copilarie. Ore multiple de facut nimic. Si in acel nimic faceam atat de multe. Acum nimicul asta urla. Ca intunericul. Sau linistea. Urasc linistea! Sau calmul. Prea mult calm prevesteste o furtuna. Si niciodata nu iesi intreg din furtuni. Iesi ud. De lacrimi, de vise, de asteptari. Intra toate la apa si se micsoreaza.
Ma duc sa imi iau rucsacul. Sa vad daca gasesc copilaria pe undeva!

What now?

Your lips are slowly whispering words near my face, but all I can see are the curves of the sweet machine that takes me through the night. I turn around and let you embrace me. It's such a overwhelming feeling. I never expected to be wormed by someone's arms. You touch my elbow and shivers pass through my entire body.

I close my eyes and for the first time I can picture a house near the sea. A white fence, a small garden filled with colored flowers. They're lucky to have you as the one that takes care of them... I would kill them without wanting too. I see rainbow like windows without curtains. A big wooden living room and a small kitchen messed up because of the terrible cooking habits we both have.  Instead of making dinner we would start food fighting and end up making love on the cold floor surrounded by vegetables. No one would be surprised of my weight lose, because you would be enough for me. 

A set of stairs would take us to the first floor. Three bedrooms, each telling a story. The main bedroom would be ours. Painted in two opposite colors, each representing one of us, meeting at half. A big bed with autumn sheets and my "sweet corner of sun" filled with small objects that bring warm memories. I always told you I need my sweet corner to enlighten my day as soon as I wake up. Even tough I don't like it, a big TV is staring at us each night. We had to adapt to one another. You accepted my cheesy sweet corner... I accepted your TV. It's not that of a big deal. I have my books, you have your shows.

The second bedroom is smaller than ours, but it's very cozy. A guitar (I always wanted to have one) is laying on a big chair and is waiting for someone to touch it. Next to the chair is a light brown coffee table and on it is the Chi tea pot and two cups. My ebook completes my knowledge corner of the room. A big desk holds up all the papers and two laptops. It's our work zone... warmed by a the presence of my library. Filled with books. I read them all, but they look so good.
A light kiss on my hair wakes me from my reverie.  We are again in our small room with a big bed. It's morning and it looks like a bright day outside. The image of a house near the sea fades as I live trough now. The messed up small kitchen vanishes. The guitar won't be played. The truth is we only have today. Now... You're not mine. I'm not yours. And who knows if we'll ever be.
Until then I turn around to stare at your lips. That sweet curves that bring smiles to my face.