Why lie at all?

When the picture is to ugly, look for another angle. I am thinking over and over again at this sentence, and I am trying to see another angle, but it doesn't work. I swear that the man who invented these words was drunk. And yes, only a man could invent such words. The commercial with the drunk man that sees a beautiful women through the bottle of beer, instead of the monster that was there a few seconds ago, pops into my head. 

Damn, that won't help me solve anything. I want to look at the sky, but instead I look at the grey cellar from over my head. The phone from my hand starts vibrating and it scares me a lot. I put it under the pillow and I hope that he won't hear it. F**k! I tell myself that I am a hypocrite, because I tell everybody who listens that I am against looking in someone's phone. But now, after reading the messages, I understand all the crazy girlfriends, and I agree that if something smells fishy this is the easy way to see where the smell is coming from. Fortunately, the phone stops making noise and he still is in the shower. 

I bang my head on the wall and I raise the phone at the level of my eyes. I can't stop reading from it. It's like an addiction, even if you know you shouldn't, you keep doing it. How is this fair? How? Why should someone lie? Especially to someone that says out loud that he/she can take anything but lies.
From BlaBla(him) to BlaBla(a she) 'Still on for the meeting tonight? I might crash at your place, cause I want to taste you a little bit..'. I can't read anymore and I let my hand fall near me. I hear him getting out from the shower and I put the phone gently under the pillow. He is singing a song, not suspecting anything. 

'Why are u staying so dull?' he asks me while he searches for a pair of underwear in my drawer. 

'Bored. Are you sure you have to stay at work tonight ?' I ask as naive as I could be in this moment. 

'Sorry love, work is work.' he approaches me naked as he is, and kisses me gently. 'I promise I will make it up to you' and before I have the chance to say anything he continues his search for underwear. 

I am remembering our first serious conversation, in which we were agreeing that we will have an open relationship, in which we can meet other people if we want. Why lie now? Why lie at all?

2011 - new, joy, dance, music, longing...

Another year will be gone with the wind. 

As a kid time didn't meant to much in my life, I had time to play and that made me really happy, but as years went by I realized that the only thing you don't have to play with is time. You won't have time to do everything you want, so you must take your chance and enjoy all the opportunities as they come. Thinking twice might ruin too many chances, not thinking at all might keep your chances away. Take your time, but don't ever forget that time doesn't wait for you.

The year that is about to finish brought many happy moments. It began by filling the gaps in my life with new and great people. From the people of my school, to the people from my work, I was constantly surrounded by persons with whom I was able to have serious conversations, great laughs and a lot of dancing. Being a part of a group, helps a lot an individual. It helped me by improving my social skills and my bad jokes. The jokes are still pretty bad, but imagine they are better than the ones from last year! I want to thank them for accepting me as I am, for dancing with me, for singing next to me and especially for keeping in touch even when so many kilometers are in between.

Last year came with a very important change in my life. I am able to visit and live in another country. For the first time in my life I am in a place where Romanian isn't the native language and I don't meet the usual people every step of the way (actually, now I know a lot of people, so I can meet usual people each step of the way, but at first I was all alone :p). I had the chance to see a lot of beautiful landscapes, I had the chance to sit on a stone between two rocks at an altitude of 1000m above the ground, I had the chance to be in another world. Besides that, the best chance offered by this year was meeting different cultures. Living, eating and drinking in a environment where it doesn't count the color of the skin or the tallness, not even the language you speak back home. No! The only think that matters was that you are here. I want to thank my international friends for being as they are, for being from where they are and for all the great parties we had together. May many more come in the new year.

Another think that the year 2011 brought, was and is homesickness. Missing my family and my friends as I never missed them before. Being apart from them didn't seem such a problem, when that apart meant the same country, now it's painful. Painful because time doesn't stop for them, and I got to miss a lot of important moments, birthdays, Christmas and New Years. I know that the new world is a blessing, but that won't ever replace my world from back home. I am thinking of you each day. Thanks for thinking of me too! I love you!

2011 in a few words : new, joy, dance, music, study, longing, friends, GREAT!

Christmas is...

The smell of the fir tree, recently brought by my dad in the house and it's green color. 

The small lights surrounding the branches and spreading colorful rays.

The glossy globes that seem to float. Pucky playing with the globe from the last branch. 

My dad hugging my mom and telling her that he wants to taste the traditional food that is still on a small fire. 

My mom slapping his hand because he tastes it and after that he takes another spoon, and another and another... Just to be sure he got the right taste.

My brother making surprises for everybody and buying for me a perfume I usually hate :)). He getting upset and telling me that the next year Santa won't bring me anything. The next year he still loves me.

My sister screaming that somebody wake her up too early. Being cranky until I make a super joke. Even if it's about her, she laughs with all her heart. 

White snow, puffy and soft. A snow man that it's far from the ones u see in movies, but that it's perfect just because he has a special shape. 

The carols we sing watching the Christmas tree that shines in the room. My dad loves carols. My mom sings with us. Our precious family time.

Pretzels, nuts, apples. Candies, sweets, sponge cake. Family dinner, friends dinner. Loved ones.

The presents that wait for us under the tree. The waking up at 5am in the morning in order to see if you were as good as you thought. Childhood. Waiting for the bike and receiving the doll. Being as excited as before. Breaking the doll to soon. 

The city that shines. The lights you see everywhere. Angels, sleighs, reindeer, Santa Claus. 

The girl. The guys. My brother. My sister. Mom and dad. The people that matters.

With the roots in my hand... i'm looking for fertile soil! UiS

It's needless to tell you the road from Oslo to Stavanger, because even if my eyes didn't close, my mind slept all the way!

I think that the main difference between me and the new civilization I encounter is I can't sleep thinking that someone would steal my big, big luggage that is in the open luggage area. The Romanian thinking is still fresh in my head and I can't imagine how people can be so relaxed knowing that their stuff is in the other part of the train. At last I see on the screen Stavanger and with my heart beating like crazy I take my luggage and wait for the door to open.
As soon as I step on steady ground I take a deep breath and I look around. I think I have the stare that  usually all the tourists have when they come in a new environment. Well, for me everything is glowing. The train I am leaving behind, the small train station, the lake from the center, the seagulls, the people. Everything is moving in slow motion and with a smile on my face I try to gather as much landscape as I can. Now that I think a bit, the slow motion might be from the weight of my luggage. Anyway, the smile is a real thing. This moment is the ending of the epilogue of my adventure and the starting of it's introduction.

It's Saturday already (I began my journey Thursday) and even if it's a beautiful evening outside the street is kind of empty. I see a little girl in a bus station and I go to her. I doubt she knows English, but I have the International Guide and she has to know where the University is. No? 

"Excuse me, University of Stavanger, where?" Of course, i'm using my hands in order to mime what i'm asking, and I know I act like I am talking with a monkey or a dog, but I want to be sure that she understands what I want to ask her. She looks at me strange and answers me in a perfect English "If you want to go to the University you have to wait here for the bus no. 6. You can ask the driver to show you where to stop."

Like in cartoons I stare blankly for a few seconds.

The bus leaves me in the street. Literally in the street. I carry my burden next to a board which says that I'm at the UiS buildings and I try to enter the door. It's closed. Hmmm. I crawl myself and the luggage until the next door. Closed. F**k! @#%$# I try to kick the luggage, but all I end up doing is hoping in one leg. It hurt me more than I hurt it. I made up my mind and leaving all my stuff behind I started looking for a door. I am really tired and for me this place was suppose to be the Heaven. Instead, I can't find the main building and I'm lost in an area where every building had UiS on it. I tell myself loudly (as usual) that I should calm down and try to act intelligent.  After a check up of the map I finally realize where I am and where I have to go. 

I enter the building and when I see the smiley faces that are waiting for me I fell much lighter. I literally could fly just about now. Seriously. Good thing that I have my luggage to keep me on the ground. They ask me for the passport and they go for the papers.

"Andreea, for a person with such a big luggage you have a very small amount of luck"

How bad can it be, i'm thinking. I have a big smile on my face and I answer as if I just heard a joke "Actually, the luggage carries me!" and then i add taking my serious tone "I have all my life inside, so wherever I go, the big fella' follows".

After they tell the address and how exactly I should reach it, I am seriously thinking to leave the luggage behind. I have to walk 10 min until the bus station, and after that exchange 2 buses, and after that I have to search the address.SHIT! SHIT!

Closure ...

She looked for him in the crowd and when she finally spotted him, he was staring at her. After so many months of ignoring her, it was almost unreal that he stared at her. She turned around, as for reassuring herself that it's not a mistake, and after that she started walking towards him. She didn't know if her heart was bouncing because of the emotions or just because she danced a lot that night. As he was closing up, her memories of their last talk were starting to appear in her head.

"It doesn't matter anymore". She still had a good image of her last sentence written on the messenger window and now, into her mind, it appeared like a glow on the laptop's screen. It should have been the last sentence she was ever supposed to address him. But now, after seeing him,something inside her wanted to clarify everything.

"Hi" she said with a broken smile. Checking his features she was wondering what exactly was the trigger of her feelings for him. 

He raised his eyebrow and without even noticing her desperate figure he took her hand and whispered in a sensual tone "Finally, realized you are missing me?" He wanted to kiss her ear, but she slowly pushed him away.

"Do you have 5 minutes for me?" 

"Baby, I have more than 5 min. If everything goes a'right, I can give you a morning too" with an embrace he was trying to push her gentle into the wall. 

She looked at him with sorrow in her eyes. If she would have had more drinks, she probably would be in his bed by now. Unfortunately she didn't. Unfortunately.

She released herself from the embrace and taking his hand into her own she led him outside. She went to the hidden bench and sat him slowly on it. He didn't want to let go of her arm and he was trying to find her mouth with his lips. Growling like a small bear he was thinking that she was in mood for jokes so he grabbed her in a forced embraced and kissed her firmly. She was taking by surprise and after he released her from the embrace she slapped him as strong as she could. 

The sound of the slap was still in the air. All the alcohol vanished at the touch of her hand with his cheek. He was looking at her. With her hand shaking she was wondering why did she react like that.

"We were supposed to be perfect for each other" she turned her face towards him. "We were supposed to be perfect for each other. Why did you screw this up?" she asked while she sat next to him. 

He turned his eye to the tree next to the bench and his leaps, so eager to open a few seconds ago, now were shut in a deep silence. 

"I always wonder why did I fancy you. You are one of the worst guys I ever had something to do with." she began her speech without knowing how exactly would this help her feel better. "And still my guts tell me that you are a good person deep down inside. But I am tired. You know why we are so perfect one for the other? Do you?" She was looking for his eyes. She touched his face and their eyes meet. 

"We are perfect because both of us are looking for persons that leave us. I am looking for guys that aren't reliable and that don't see in me more than a tool, and you are looking for girls that leave you for another life, man or country. In a weird sense, we are actually more alike than I'd want to. You are a mess inside and you stopped believing. I am ... " she smiled. 

She raise from the bench and she left without saying anything. 

As she was heading for the bus station she realized that she isn't crying. It was so simple. Everything. Life. Him. She should have stopped chasing shadows. At least she didn't came for nothing. She now knew that this chapter of her life is over.

some study, some stare, some asshhhhh!!

I never thought that studying could need so many hours spent in the library, so many books opened and so many brain cells. I mean, in Romania it doesn't seem so hard. Or maybe the fact that I love what I study there is making things easier? Anyway, I don't want to say anything about studies, but about the study place from the University.

I arrived here since 10am. Went to a course, but didn't quite paid attention to what the teacher had to say. Blame me or blame him for that. I would blame him if I were you (not because i don't want to blame me), because he sucks all the fun from the subject. I actually would have put my money on this course, but as time passed I realized that I would actually put my money on the lyric part of the subject. At last, the course finished and me and some colleagues went to our department's study room. Imagine leather couch, big projector that can be connected to any laptop, fridges, tables, black board, coffee machine... Any student's dream! Actually not any learning student's dream, more of any student's break time dream. 'Cause for study I need people around me that studies, otherwise I may as well stay at home and find something to waste time with! So, after doing some of the work, everybody wanted to go home. I didn't. So I choose to move my study to the library. Nothing wrong there. Except the only table that is available is actually near a...

Let me help u imagine near what! I was very concentrated to find an answer to a problem. I raised my eyes from the book to find a good place to stare at. The first thing i saw : an ass! Not just any ass. A man's ass! A naked man's ass! It belongs to a bronze statue that represents a naked man that kisses his naked girlfriend. Just stared a bit longer and I realized that u can see a little bit of her tit. At least I'm not at her side and I can stare at his ass :))). At the moment I forgot any solution I might have had. Guess I'll change this place. I don't want others to think I'm a stalker or something like that. Think it would be totally wrong to touch his ass on my way out? I already saw all the cracks =))).

Not now...

Don't know how to play the game. I try. But i end up in a sad corner of the darkest room with the head on my knees and painful tears coming out of my eyes. Who makes the bloody rules and who decides who's winning? I search for signs and words that can help me, but no one knows how to spell them right. Or maybe I don't understand enough. First is the rage. After that is the sadness. The last one is the sound of another piece felling into the abyss. It's nobody's fault that I'm outside the box. 

"Think positive" I hear a voice inside. I'm tired of that. Or maybe I'm just tired.

I'm being melodramatic. But ain't that part of everyday life? I'm loosing some. Instead of screaming, crawling and breaking, i'm just writing, crying and wondering. Wondering again and again where was the flaw. Facing the fact that the guilty one lies within me and only me. 

Tomorrow I'll get up and face another day with a big smile on my face and another pot of trust. But... today... let me moan.