Scared and damaged...

Women are complicated creatures!

Everybody knows that!

Let's face it, we all come with packages from our past, packages that makes us who we are. But we, we tend to become our packages. If somebody screwed us in the past, we start to see a threat in everyone that comes in the future. Since I can't generalize this to every women in the world, let me personalize the thread.

Like most of you, I had my share of drama, but somehow I tend to look for/find/end up surrounded by the same drama. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to life, I live as much as I can, but when it comes to relationships, men-women relationships, I have a thing for dead ends.  As soon as I see a jerk, my inside lids and I literally start drooling like a dog at the thought of something more.

What does this means? Simple. I don't know how to behave when it comes to dating. I am a mess. I stare at the damn phone all day long with the hope that it rings and he's the one that misses me. I know the rule that says that men have to make the first step, but I am not that kind of girl. The waiting part kills me slowly. I stare at the phone all day... until I pick it up, dial the unwanted number and act stupid (probably my dating age is around 10 years old, although these days I think even a 10 year old acts more responsible). My stupid act involves silly laughter, idiotic lines and a slight ironic conversation. And that's how it all starts. A bad start, of course! 

My longest relationship had 5 months, one good and 4 others like hell. I was afraid that it was my stability phobia, now I think it's only my damaged personality. What else could it be? 

A few days ago I read a post on FB where it said that we accept the love we think we deserve. And it's true. But having a poisoned love is better than having nothing. Knowing that once in a while someone needs the warmth of your body is enough to live in a fantasy world. And not having an actual story is better than having a story. When you lose something that wasn't yours in the first place doesn't hurt as much as loosing something that you care about with all your heart... no?

Besides the "not figuring out when its love and when its NOT love" I have another problem... damaged problem... I have no idea when to get involved. I mean, when do you know its time to hold hands? When is it time to walk home alone? When is it right to call at a dreadful hour in the night, without any reason whatsoever? When is it right to go out with him and your friends? When is it time to talk about your fears and hopes? When is it time to get involved???

If you have any answers, please feel free to enlighten me!!!!

What do you want?

What do you want? A question that surrounds your entire world. A question at which you are supposed to have an answer. When it comes to simple things, like chocolate or a bucket of ice cream to take you trough the day, you always know what you want, but when it comes to bigger things, it gets complicated.
As time passes by, the pressure of growing up leans on your shoulder and what you want affects everything. Kids, married life, should become a part of what you want, but what happens if you don't know or if you don't have the pleasure to afford this kind of "wanting".
I know I want to have it easy. I want to be able to drink a glass of wine or eat an entire box of chocolates. I want to drink my coffee in the morning and to have a smile on my face when i go to sleep. I want to be able to grow flowers and have a dog which throws his tail in every side when he sees me. But that isn't enough to be a part of a community.
"Do you want to get married?", "Do you want to have kids?", "Do you want to have a house?"... Questions at which I don't have an answer. I don't want to have those things just because I am supposed to have them. I want to see a mini me running around and making disasters, I want to wake up in the morning and see a smiling face watching me, I want to have a big house and a medium dog making graves into the garden.
Talking about stereotypes. I want what the entire globe wants. To be happy. But I have no freaking idea how to get there. So if by any chance you have a book on how to stop screwing up ur life, I'm buying it!!!